


Crowned Glorious

by drelfina



Category: Naruto
Genre: Baby Kakashi is a murder baby but he is also a BABY, Being jounin didn't teach me how to teach, Cameo apperances from everyone of that generation, Crack, Do you have transferable skills?, F/F, Fish out of Water, Kakashi just wants to make friends, M/M, Minato's great at killing people but not at teaching, Multi, My inappropriate humour, Other, Sakumo is not Dead, Shisui is an adorable firebug, Shisui is having a cameo(s), becoming jounin is all about learning how to kill real good, casually sakumo is not dead, crack except where it's not, dear lord it's so hard to find the right people of the right age instead of just making them all up, guess who is going to be yondaime hokage now?, help help they are so tiny, how do i make sure they don't die?, how is this transferable to teaching, imposter syndrome, kids acting like kids, please read the tags, preteens are not nice, read if you trust me; don't read if you don't, sakumo won't die, terrified millennial Minato, the Real Millennial Experience, the issues of academia, the millennial experience, they don't teach you how to teach at jounin-school, what do you do when you're dumped in a situation where your skills don't transfer?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:50:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22711093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: Namikaze Minato was finally getting used to life after War.Then Sandaime-sama had a new job for him.Be Jounin-sensei to a team ofextremelyprecocious andextremelypolitically connected genin.Oh and by the way? He's been nominated as a Hokage Candidate.Good luck Minato.Main fic is FINISHED: will add omake and outtakes over the next update cycles or so. Enjoy. :)OMAKE 2: Red Lanterns
Relationships: Hatake Sakumo/Namikaze Minato, Hatake Sakumo/Namikaze Minato/Orochimaru, Orochimaru/Namikaze Minato, Uchiha Mikoto/Uzumaki Kushina
Comments: 524
Kudos: 430





	1. Maybe getting out of bed was a bad idea

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rikacain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikacain/gifts).



> So this is the Millennial Minato fic I've been teasing everyone who I had even just a passing acquaintance with. 
> 
> How good a sensei COULD Minato be? He was a war hero, and an extremely talented jounin. 
> 
> How the fuck does _that_ translate to teaching little squishy children? 
> 
> Read the tags closely. :D
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you Rikacain for standing there and watching me spiral into a hole while i screamed about Millennial Minato. This wouldn't exist without you. :D

The scratching was what woke him up. There had been many environmental markers that basically told him he was _home_ and _safe_ in Konoha; the musty smell of sheets and an actual _futon_ , the scent of tatami underneath it. A _pillow_ that wasn't basically a rolled up change of clothes tied together with his armour ties. The fact that he actually had _nothing_ on his feet for once in as long as he could remember. 

All of these tied together to tell him _Konoha_ and _sleep_ , which was why he hadn't just rolled straight out of the sheets to slam a rasengan into the throat of whatever was making that noise before he even opened his eyes. 

But he had a kunai in his hand before he actually _did_ open his eyes to realise that one, the scratching was not caused by metal (specific resonance, not the right metallic vibrations), and two, it was a deliberate noise against the wood of his window sills (Right, He had window sills, this was his _home_ ), rather than an almost silent attempt to rappel up the side of a cliff without chakra. 

He blinked at the sight of his blank, boring ceiling, just in time for the Hokage's hawk to hop right onto his chest, and impatient with him, _shriek_ in his ear. 

"Aaaah!" 

He almost flung the bird into the wall with his kunai-hand, but it hopped out of the way, and turning to stare at him, one eye at a time, and then dropped a gold-gilt scroll on his futon with as disdainful an air as possible, before winging its way out of his now scratched-up window.

Minato winced at the ringing of his ears, rubbing around his ear with the base of his kunai before picking up the scroll. 

A Hokage-summons. That might still be good, he told the skip of his heart, because the war was _over_ (or maybe it was never going to be over, maybe his hands were never going to be clean, maybe he would never stop hearing the screams in the silence) and things would go back to normal. Maybe he would be told he would finally join the ANBU or something Village related. There were quite a few departments he could be put into - the research divisions of Intel maybe, because he wasn't exactly great at analysing the crap loads of reports that he _knew_ chuunin were constantly running back to Konoha from the front, but he could do something with jutsu development. Or analysing their effects. Or - 

(There was also the … _Interrogation_ side of Intel, which he wasn't particularly keen on but at least. At least those had a nine-to-five, those had a time when he could _go_ home.) 

"No time like the present to finding out," He said into his empty apartment, and tucked the scroll into a pocket. 

Well he was home. 

How bad could it be?

* * *

"You want me to _what_?!" 

Sandaime raised an eyebrow at him. "You were adamant you were retired from the standing army, Namikaze-kun." Minato didn't wince at the dropping of his military title of Genshou, because he didn't want to keep being reminded of it, but it had been ages since he'd been just -kun to anyone and it - 

"Yes," Minato said, "But I thought you'd put me in - oh, I don't know, Intelligence. The research division? Surely…" he looked down at the spread of files he had been handed. "They can be - aren't there - actual _experts_ for this?" 

"Where," Sandaime said, genially, "Would we have experts in this?" 

"The - The Academy?" Minato could _hear_ his voice starting to climb in pitch. "I'm a field commander -" 

"You have plenty of experience leading," Sandaime agreed. 

"Experienced shinobi on the _field_ ," Minato exclaimed. "I am great at _killing people!_ " 

"Well," Sandaime said, "Don't kill them and it'll be a great learning experience." 

"You can't make me a genin team leader! What am I supposed to DO?" 

"Not kill them, for a start," Sandaime said. 

"I'm not actually licensed to _teach_!" Minato said, shaking the folders like they were going to explode and take his hand with them. "That's what Academy _teachers_ are for! They are actually taught to _teach_." 

"Oh," Sandaime said, and leaned over to pull open a drawer. "Right, here is something I gave to Jiraiya when he had you." 

Minato felt his heart settle - because of course Sandaime would have material to help, he was the _Professor_ after all! - just a moment right until Sandaime slipped over a thin, clearly handmade booklet across the desk to him. 

_Your Students and You!_ the cheerful faded title said in Sandaime's precise hand. 

"How… it's not _adequate_ ," Minato said, as he stared at it. It literally was stapled together. Maybe five sheets total, folded in half. 

"It has pictures," Sandaime said helpfully. 

".... Are there any courses that I can actually take on _teaching_?" Minato asked. 

"Oh," Sandaime said, before Minato could implode, "Also, I thought you might like to know that you've been put forward as a viable Hokage Candidate. Dismissed."

* * *

Minato wandered back in what he was fairly sure was shock, the folders in his hands crinkled permanently. 

Nohara Rin. One of the top scorers from the Academy. 

Uchiha Obito. An _Uchiha_. Both of these had already started running messages and supplies from the outposts to the Village even months before their own graduation.

And the last was _Hatake Kakashi_. 

The boy was only six, and just got promoted to chuunin… and he was _only_ the son of the _other_ Hokage Candidate.

A Viable Hokage Candidate! He had to be _joking_! Everyone already knew who was going to be the next Hokage - Hatake Sakumo was on par with the Sannin, so highly respectable that even the failure of one critical mission a year ago had not tarred him permanently, and his performance in the war had saved so many of his fellow jounin and really, who would even _think_ to vote on someone else? 

And now Sandaime-sama had _assigned_ Sakumo's _son_ to Minato! 

Minato was going to die. 

No, he thought, staring at the tiny little photo of the fluffy hair that barely obscured the tiny Hatake child's huge eyes, he was going to kill the tiny murder baby by _incompetence_ and then Sakumo was going to rip him apart with his dogs. 

That _would_ solve the question of two actual Hokage Candidates. 

Maybe he should have begged to go into the Interrogation part of T&I after all.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeline, what timeline? Working title was _Terrified Millenial Minato_ lololol but there's a lot more involved here hahaha. Kakashi is roughly six here, Sakumo is definitely not dead and will not be, Rin and Obito are Older by at least 5 years than Kakashi because _what the fuck is that timeline, Kishimoto_. Minato is PROBABLY in his very early twenties, and is absolutely terrified he'd break a Baby if he breathed on it wrong.


	2. Healthy Eating Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Minato meets his team. It goes _great_.

Kakashi had no real idea what to expect at getting assigned to a team. He had not been given a team when he had become genin in the first place, and on promotion to chuunin, had not expected one either. 

The problem was, of course, he was too… small. He _knew_ that despite his skill, he just physically was not good enough to physically keep up with other adults, and it was humiliating to have to be carried by his own teammates just because his child body couldn't keep up. His entire time as a genin had been running solo missions, which he'd almost preferred. 

He'd been half afraid that he'd be assigned to a permanent team who were going to resent him. 

But when Sakumo told him to report the next morning, he had been pleasantly surprised it was actually two other genin who were older than him, yes, but imminently approachable. 

"Hi," the boy said, looking up when he approached. He smiled, and Kakashi managed to smile back, feeling his ears heat. "You're our other teammate?" 

"Yes," Kakashi said and then went for the formal bow, because well they were technically older than him, "Hatake Kakashi." 

"You're the youngest chuunin in the history of Konoha," the girl said. "Huh." 

"Be nice, Rin. That's Nohara Rin," the boy said. "I'm Uchiha Obito." 

An Uchiha? That was good right? And the boy was smiling at him and the girl at least was not looking like she was awed or _anything_ so that was great. 

Right? 

"Well while we're waiting for our sensei," Obito said after a moment, "We might as well try some training or something?" 

"Or sparring, maybe," Rin suggested. 

"But I might… hurt you," Kakashi started to say because he _was_ chuunin… 

"Or we could try water-walking," Obito said before Rin could reply. 

"I already know how to water-walk," Kakashi said. 

"Well I don't," Obito said, while Rin rolled her eyes. "The river's just over there." 

The other two were fast, but not as fast as other adult shinobi, so Kakashi didn't have to run very far to the bridge. 

But Obito was already climbing up the railing of the bridge when Kakashi caught up. "What's your bet I could make it this time?" he was asking Rin. 

"You're going to end up swimming." 

"You know I can't swim," Obito said cheerfully. 

"Then you'll drown." 

Obito grinned at them both, and hopped off the railing. 

"But you can't swim?!" Kakashi exclaimed. 

"So you can show him how to waterwalk," Rin said, and picked Kakashi up under the arms, and then swung him off over the railing.

* * *

Minato arrived just in time to witness Sakumo's son get flung off the bridge by one of the Academy's top-scorers. 

If he had a mini-heart attack then and there, at least he managed to save the kid from going head first into the water. 

"What are you _doing_!?" he exclaimed. 

"Proprioception training," Minato's student said from the bridge. 

"It was _awesome_ ," Sakumo's son said from his arms. "Do it again!" 

"Help, the water's really deep here," Minato's _Uchiha_ student said.

* * *

They were, Minato realised, absolutely tiny. What the fuck was he supposed to do about them? 

_Make sure that your students have healthy eating habits!_

Minato squinted at the image trying to make out what the weird little box thing the white-haired man - jounin? Was that supposed to be Jiraiya-sensei? - was holding. It … seemed to maybe be a bento box. It had white, red and green in it. So it probably was rice, something green and … 

Something crinkled, and he looked up to see Kakashi unwrap half a ration bar. 

There was nothing green about it - and if it was green, Minato would _definitely_ not eat it. 

He was supposed to tell his students to eat healthily - which apparently included... Rice and green stuff and other stuffs. 

He looked up at his other two students sparring against each other and folded up the booklet, before reaching over and plucking the ration bar from Kakashi's hand. 

"You can't eat that, Kakashi-kun," Minato said. 

Kakashi blinked at him, pale eyebrows furrowing. "But… sensei…" 

"I'll get you bento. I'll get _all_ of you bento. Just - Spar with them," he said, gesturing vaguely towards Obito. "Uh. Or just watch them. You know. I'll be right back." 

He stuffed the half-eaten ration bar into his pocket, right next to his own ration bar he'd planned for lunch, and ran the fuck away to the market.

* * *

"Oh, you bought us food? You didn't need to, Sensei!" Obito couldn't help but feel a warm glow anyway, that Minato-sensei thought to buy them food.

Food from the _Market_. Which wasn't cheap; there was a reason why Obito packed his own bento after all! 

"Oh - you ate already? You're not supposed to just eat ration bars," Minato-sensei started to say but his voice trailed off when Obito pulled out his lunchbox. 

It wasn't one of his best - he'd been a little rushed today, since he thought that it was best to be early to make a Good Impression their jounin-sensei. _Namikaze Minato_ was their jounin-sensei, and even Rin had been appropriately awed when he'd gone to throw rocks at her window on his way to their meet-up point. 

An actual bonafide war hero?! He'd rescued Fugaku-sama and Mikoto-sama like, three times, _personally_ , and had laid waste to whole battlefields. Obito had never ever got to talk to him, but he'd seen Namikaze Minato's distinctive white coat with the fiery blazed hem at least twice, and he _knew_ that even the most stern, dickish Uchiha were at least grudgingly alright with Minato showing up in their barracks, unlike some other Clans that Obito could name but did not. 

Obito knew he wasn't actually that good a student in the academy - Rin was _the_ top, and he was mediocre in the academics, having had to focus on actual war-errands to pull up his grade to make up for the fact that he basically had to sometimes skip class to watch his tiny cousin Shisui. 

(He watched the other little ones of course, there were many cousins - but Shisui was the _worst_ and the one time he hadn't watched him, Shisui'd gotten into one of the others' explosive tag supply and nearly set the whole east side of the compound on fire.) 

So he knew that he had to make a good impression on Minato-sensei. No, an _excellent_ one. 

"Oh, that's you made your own bento? Or was it your … aunt?" Minato-sensei looked surprised, and Obito hastened to explain why it was still a decent one, even if it had been rushed. 

"I know that we must have good nutrition," Obito said. "So, proteins to keep me full for a long day of training-" he indicated the two portions of protein - two hardboiled eggs and soy sauce simmered tofu, "- rice for instant energy, and seaweeds and fruit for vitamins." he looked up at Minato-sensei, hoping it wasn't too simple. 

Instead, Minato-sensei looked impressed. "That's very well thought of," Minato-sensei said. "Even the proportions -" 

"Yeah," Obito said, "my aunt taught me, and said that i had to add more protein for drills and training, carbohydrates for instant energy if it's a long day, and the green stuff and fruit for salts and other micronutrients for salt and ion replacements." He watched their sensei, and had a huge sigh of relief when Minato-sensei nodded solemnly. 

"Very good, Obito-kun," Minato-sensei said gravely. "Did you take note of that, Kakashi-kun? This is why I didn't let you eat just those ration bars." 

_Yes,_ thank you Mikami-basan! He seemed to have passed the test! Obito beamed.

"So you don't need to have the bento I got," Minato-sensei said. 

"Oh no, it's GREAT," Obito gushed. "Thank you sensei! It'll definitely keep for tonight's dinner, i won't let it go to waste!" 

First impression made and it was GREAT.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obito: oldest of his generation, he's probably not going to stuff a kunai up his nose, set fire to the house, or drop a baby on the head 
> 
> we're at war, we can't be picky about our babysitters.


	3. A healthy Sleep Schedule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the next chapter in the helpful booklet is: A Healthy Sleep Schedule.

This wasn't war time, Minato knew, so he knew that he didn't _need_ to be up at dawn. Surely children should not be expected to be awake that early either. 

Not that he could help it - the slightest change in birdsong of the night had him waking up at least an hour before dawn, if he could sleep at all. 

And if he was up, well there were only ever two things to do - train, or pore through his notes on jutsu. 

And now he was staring at the ceiling after three hours of tossing and turning, time ticking with the whine of crickets and the too-soft-scrape of sandals on roof-tiles. Too quiet; when nights were quiet like this, everything felt magnified, echoing in his mind. 

He'd also spent the last two days catching surprisingly heavy children from falling off trees and hauling said kids out of the river. His arms were as noodly as the ramen that Kushina had been scoffing down, and his lower body wasn't much better. He could control water as much as any other jounin could, but standing on the river for almost twelve hours all of today was doing nothing soothing for his thighs and calves. 

So he rolled out of bed instead, and pulled out his storage scroll, and let his pile of notes slide out. 

Might as well work on the hiraishin he supposed, since he couldn't train till he collapsed, and he wasn't getting any sleep tonight anyway.

* * *

"I'm going to kill them," Minato said. 

"That sounds like a Sensei thing," Kushina cheerfully slurping down her noodles. 

"No, I mean - no other sensei - no I mean I don't mean it like _that_." 

"Yeah that would be a bad idea," Kushina agreed, piling on another chopstick's worth of noodles onto her spoon. "Killing your students is bad. Especially since one of them is a Hatake. You know Sakumo would be quite put out if he has to track down his son's body and dig it back up." 

"No! I don't intend to KILL the children - I mean, I would probably do it. By _accident_. I'm supposed to - teach them, like, like how to eat good food -" 

"Ramen is good," Kushina said. 

"It was not in the picture!" 

Kushina made an interrogative, curious noise, and Minato groaned, head down on the slightly greasy counter while he dug out the booklet and flailed it at Kushina. 

"Oh," Kushina said when she flipped to the first page. "So… that's a cabbage?" 

"Yes. _Thank_ every kami who exists - and my ancestors - that Obito actually knows how to make bento, because I would be so _out_ of money by the end of a _week_." 

"You know how to cook?" 

"Shut up," Minato moaned and pressed his face against the counter. 

"There's more," Kushina said, clearly looking through the booklet. "Oh wow, sleeping schedules?"

"Yeah, me. Show them how to have a healthy sleep schedule. What _is_ a healthy sleep schedule?!" 

"Eight hours," Kushina said, using her spoon to indicate the little clock-like thing in the corner of the picture. "I think. Or maybe 40 minutes. Man remember that mission when we both literally destroyed that Iwa outpost after running for a whole week without rest? Literally." 

"I think I was almost dead," Minato said. "Or possibly high on chakra-pills." 

"Probably high," Kushina mused. "I thought you were going to have a heart-attack." 

"I _felt_ like I was having a heart-attack," Minato said. 

"Good thing you didn't die," Kushina said, "You would have caught fire with the rest of them." 

"Thanks for your consideration, partner," Minato said into the countertop. 

"Welcome," Kushina said. 

"How am I supposed to teach them about a _healthy_ sleep - schedule? Is it supposed to be eight hours? A week?" 

"We would have done really well with forty minutes a day," Kushina said thoughtfully. "You at least. Half your reports from that one month of missions I had to re-write because a good two-thirds were in seal-script." 

"And I still owe you for it," Minato groaned. 

"Eyup," Kushina said and swallowed down all the soup from her bowl. "You eating that?" 

"Heeeey that's my lunch!" 

"But you're busy whining," Kushina said. "And I _know_ you have two ration bars in your pocket anyway." 

"Terrible," Minato said, but didn't resist when she pulled his bowl over to her pile of empty bowls and proceeded to empty it into her stomach, just resignedly held his hand up for the invoice.

* * *

"Look," Rin said, turning around for the _fourth_ time. "Kakashi-kun." 

He was a tiny little thing, more hair than person, almost, huge-eyed and really looked like he should be still in the Academy, for all that he was an already-famous chuunin. 

Rin's mother had been impressed that Rin was on such a prestigious team - Namikaze Minato her sensei, an _Uchiha_ \- 

("Mother," Rin said, rolling her eyes, "You know _Obito_.")  
("Yes, Rin-chan, but he's still an _Uchiha_ , you know." ) 

And then there was Hatake Kakashi, Konoha's youngest chuunin since probably the _Founding_.

Spend more time with them, especially Hatake Kakashi. You know who he is? 

Yes, yes she did. Famous chuunin - and son of an even more famous jounin. The team was made of ridiculously famous people, hugely accomplished and - 

There was her. 

"Obito and I," Rin said, exasperated, "are going to have lunch." 

The kid - because Hatake Kakashi was a _child_ , no matter who his father was, no matter what his rank was - blinked at her. "But," he said. "We're… a team?" 

"We're a team but we're done for the day," she said, ignoring her own mother's voice in her head. "So go and - hang out with your friends." 

"Rin," Obito said, wincing a little. 

"What," Rin said, and gestured, "he's a _kid_." 

"Yes, but -" Obito said. "Be nice." 

"I _am_ ," Rin said. 

It wasn't really Kakashi himself, she knew. But he was a child and small and followed them _incessantly_. At first she had thought it was some sort of maybe judgey thing, the way that the older chuunin would watch them during their errand-runs out of the village, clearly judging them all. 

But then the boy was just _watching_ , constantly _watching_ her and Obito, and really, it was grating on her nerves. They didn't exactly have that much time off, their training technically finished at 3pm, and there was theory and reading that Minato-sensei kept mentioning offhand. If it wasn't for her own good memory, she would have been lost as to all the things Minato-sensei kept being surprised they _didn't_ know. 

She knew that the sensei in the Academy were short-handed, and in terms of theory they had very little time to dwell on _anything_ , especially when they spent half their time of their last year getting a _lot_ of practical experience in the field and out of the classroom. It wasn't a surprise that Obito hadn't known a lot of the things that Minato-sensei mentioned, like the chakra-theory behind second level traps, or practical applications of jutsu in sandy conditions, or how humidity could affect the use of lightning jutsu, because a lot of the time Obito had had to stay back in the Clan to watch the few younger Uchiha. 

(There was no one else.) 

But he had access to the Uchiha library, and could read up. She had to make up for that time after training. 

So the little time that she and Obito could just relax _together_ was limited, and having a tiny little shrimp trying to make stunted conversation with them? 

Aaaaaargh. 

"Sorry," the kid said, looking still and statue-like. Not even like Obito's kid cousins, who would probably be scuffing their feet in the sand. 

(If they could get away with it, little kids were _shits_ , Rin knew, because Obito's kid-cousins also gleefully set fire to things as easily as breathing.)

She refused to be softened to the kid, at all. Her and Obito's private time was _precious_ , and she was already only sleeping five hours a _night_.

" _Rin_ ," Obito said, and when she turned her head, refusing to - whatever it was - Obito dropped back towards Kakashi, and Rin huffed.

* * *

"Hey," Obito said, falling to a crouch in front of Kakashi while Rin stalked off. "Hey Kakashi-kun…" 

"Rin-senpai hates me." 

"No she doesn't -" 

"I just want…" 

The kid stopped, and Obito waited a moment but it was obvious what the problem was. Kakashi was a shinobi - they all were - but he most definitely had never seen Kakashi in the academy. Certainly someone like Kakashi would have never turned up in any of the playdates that Obito had been the Uchiha's chaperone to inter-clan events - where the kids were all interacting with each other so they'd get to know potential team-members. In fact, Obito didn't think he'd met any Hatake at _all_. The clan was ridiculously small, and for all he knew, there might not have been any others of Kakashi's generation, all too old (and on the front) to be involved. And of course, none of the kids Obito watched? Were already chuunin. 

Kids needed to, like, talk to each other to figure out how to _communicate_. It had been hard learning how to give reports, but Obito had the fact he'd grown up in the actual Clan so he had that step ahead, figuring out how to talk to his superiors, and he had friends - and even Rin, who he had sound-boarded so much with to try and figure out why their reports kept getting returned with poor grades until they figured out what the teachers were looking for. 

Kakashi, reminded him of that little Aburame he'd noted at those playdates - unsure and uncertain, until one of the Yamanaka boys had glomped onto him and dragged him around. 

Kakashi had no one of his generation, and Obito, acutely aware of what it meant to have cousins of his own generation even if they were all like, almost ten years younger than himself, figured it meant he only knew how to speak to _older shinobi_. In report-fashion. 

Reports didn't mention _friends_ , and they sure as hell didn't become anything than _team-mates_. 

"Look," Obito said, thinking back to that one time Shisui had latched onto Inuzuka Tsume's nephew and tried to bite other kids who tried to play with the kid, "Rin and I are friends right?" 

"And you don't want me." 

"Noooo," Obito said, remembering how Shisui had _cried_ when he had to peel him off Inuzuka Kito, "See, we're friends and we do things together right? But you and I are friends too, and we do things without Rin." 

Kakashi blinked huge eyes at him. "We.. do?" 

"We _could_ ," Obito declared. "I have my cousin to babysit tomorrow but you could come over!" 

"Obito!" Rin snapped from up ahead. 

"And you could do things with Rin alone," Obito said, ignoring Rin's vaguely horrified glare at the back of his head. "And we could do things _together_. Because we don't always have to be together all the time to be _friends_ right? Which is -" uh uh uh, "Like team-mates! Not everyone has to do the same job together and be the same thing to each other because we're all _different_." 

Kakashi blinked huge eyes at him, but at least he didn't seem like he was going to cry anymore. 

"So tomorrow," Obito promised. "Because Rin and I are gonna go and do friend things at the bookstore, but we can do stuff tomorrow okay?" 

Kakashi nodded, hesitantly. 

"Yeah. So, you should go home and get some sleep," Obito said. "Or! Go stalk Minato-sensei and find out whether he has a girlfriend." 

Kakashi nodded more decisively. A little task for him, Obito thought with relief, that would at least keep him out of their hair for a bit, and Rin would probably _not_ be super pissed anymore. 

Score one for him! 

"I'll see you tomorrow then," Kakashi said. "After training?" 

"Yes," Obito said, trying to remember whether he would have time to nap tonight. "Of course. Tomorrow."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A well-adjusted shinobi? In _this_ economy? 
> 
> Rin: FOR FUCK'S SAKE OBITO! *punches him* 
> 
> Obito: he was going to cry! I couldn't MAKE A BABY CRY.
> 
> Kakashi: I have FRIENDS. Obito-senpai is so COOL.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Kushina: eight hours a _week_? That's ridiculous. 
> 
> Minato: I know right? That's more than an hour a DAY. Unconscionable Luxury! 
> 
> Kushina: Kids need different amounts of sleep though, especially if they're not, like, in a war. 
> 
> Minato: … so… three hours a day is good enough. Right? 
> 
> Kushina: Sounds right.


	4. Seeking Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minato seeks advice from experienced jounin. 
> 
> It goes as well as you might think.

Seeing that Kushina was completely unhelpful and using her spare time to go on dates with Mikoto (read: fucking her into next week), and the booklet really wasn't helpful in proper elaboration, Minato had started going to other jounin-sensei who weren't dead. 

That… wasn't the best option. 

"I'm so lucky I'm literally Clan head right now," Fugaku said, "I'm never having to take any students on. Have you seen what Shisui had done _yesterday_? Just look -" 

"Uh, no thanks," Minato said, because Shisui was apparently two years old and already setting fire to everything. Once he started channeling chakra more productively, Minato was thinking that the entire Compound was going to go up in flames.

* * *

"Pfft," Tsume said, completely unsympathetic. "You think you have it hard? When I first started out, my _Mother_ was my sensei. Straight out of Academy. So she's always, always telling me how I'm doing it fucking _wrong."_

"I'm glad I'm… an orphan?" Minato winced. 

"You should be!"

* * *

"You have to watch them _all_ the time," Chouza said. "You never know when they might run away and then fall into the river." 

"Oh yours just fell into the _river_?" Inoichi snorted. "One of mine refused to listen to me when i said _to always focus when climbing trees_ , and then guess what happened?" 

"She lost … focus?" Minato said when Inoichi looked expectantly at him. He wasn't sure he liked where this story was heading - worse still, Inoichi was very very _intent_ and Chouza's expression was _grim_. 

"She lost focus and _slipped_ , took the skin of her palms _all the way off_ ," Inoichi said, slamming his cup down hard enough Minato jumped. "Skinned her hands off like a _glove_!" 

"Oh ancestors," Minato said, while Shikaku sighed. 

"Now that was just the first batch," Inoichi said. "The next team I had -" 

"I have to go," Minato said hurriedly, feeling his stomach clamp right up, "I told my students I'm meeting them in ten minutes -" 

"Make sure to remind them to _keep their focus!_ Or else _gloves!_ " 

Minato made himself disappear the fuck out of there before he could hear more.

* * *

"You have it _really_ easy," Hizashi said, in his slow, measured way. The only reason why he hadn't tossed Minato out on his ass was because at one point two years ago when someone had thrown a mountain's worth of pebbles on them and separated them from their teams and most of their supplies, Minato had had to keep a concussed Hizashi awake while they shared Minato's shitty tent and Hizashi's bedroll. 

He was never going to tell anyone about the fact that Hizashi cried for his older brother when he was feverish. 

Ever. 

"Because I'm an orphan and no one's going to judge me?" Minato muttered. 

"No. Because you already have a booklet from Sandaime-sama _himself_. And you have three clan children- " 

"Technically Rin isn't a clan chi-" 

"One of whom is Sakumo's _son_." 

"Ah, there's that - " 

"In my day," Hizashi said, ignoring Minato's muttered _You're not that much older than me_ , "We were tossed into the deep end, the Academy barely had teachers or a _library_ , so there weren't any books to consult at ALL." 

Minato thought about the booklet with its extremely…. Concise advice and didn't think it was much better. 

"On the other hand," Hizashi said, "one of your students is an Uchiha." 

He turned around and handed Minato a bright red higanbana, still dripping sap from its cut stem. "My condolences."

* * *

"Did you hear about this one -" Hagane Gara said, plopping down helpfully next to Minato, "which jounin was it - aaaah, right, from the Yuuhi wasn't it? He was really intent on his students being able to recognise genjutsu no matter _what_ , so he'd ambush them with genjutsu." 

"Really," Minato said, faintly, wondering when he'd started wearing a _tell me jounin sensei horror stories_ sign.

"Even when they were _asleep_ ," Gara said, sounding remarkably cheerful at telling Minato about what Minato was pretty sure was violating Rule 2 of Sandaime's Helpful Teaching Booklet, "putting them through genjutsu all the time, and not just D-level ones, C and B level ones too." 

"And what happened to them?" Tobitake Kamakiri said, flicking his red hair back over his shoulders. 

"Eh, no idea, I think one of them went berserker a couple years back," Gara said. "And one of the others refused to sleep." 

"Sounds like they ought to have dropped dead. But hey, at least it's not during a war," Kamakiri said. 

"Pfft, that was an easy one, so damn easy," Akagi Kaeda said, looming over the other side of the table, and Minato twitched backwards, carefully pulling his plate back to himself. He'd like not to get poisoned, thank you very much. Kaeda liked drugs, and apparently specialised in those that were terrifyingly addictive, which was why she was in the T part of T&I. "You haven't heard of that Tatami one, have you?" 

"Tatami?" Small clan, didn't seem to be doing much - 

"Can't be bothered to remember the name. Looked like a goat. But he had an Aburame student - and he was really all, survival of the fittest bullshit. Depend on yourself!" 

"That seems... A little wrong." 

"Hell yeah," Kamakiri said. "Isn't that completely against what teamwork is about?" 

"Said his students had to know how to survive without help _first_. So he forbade his Aburame student from using his insects." 

The table fell into horrified silence. 

Kaeda smirked grimly. "Turns out the symbiosis works both ways; kid ended up in hospital less than a year later." 

"He died?" Minato asked in a horrified whisper. 

"No, kid recovered. But a couple months later, on some C-rank, old goatface claimed it was the kid's fault for not being in sync with his insects." 

"Shit," Gara said, "That is cold." 

Kaeda nodded. 

"Then there's this other sensei I heard of," Kamakiri said. "My classmate's older cousin's sensei, I think. Said that we had to earn his respect. None of us liked him - but damn my friend's cousin."

"What… happened to them?" Minato said because it was pretty much morbid curiosity by now. Horrified, terrified, morbid curiosity. 

"He never called them by name." 

Minato winced. "Never?" 

"Never." 

"Why didn't they murder him in his sleep," Kaeda snorted. "Weak." 

"They dropped out," Kamakiri said. "Wasn't much of a fuss, the war was going into a lull then, so what was a few non-Clan shinobi kids? Needed someone to farm anyway." 

"Cold," Gara said. 

"Yeah. But last I heard, that jounin got sent to Snow country on some ambassadorial thing, and we haven't heard from him since." 

"You mean the fucker was offed by Sandaime on the low-down," Kaeda said, "but no one's gonna say anything."

"Yeah," Gara said. "Who knows right?" Then he clapped Minato's shoulder hard enough his plate wobbled. "So don't fuck it up. Those kids of yours, they're not nobodies, right?" 

If he fucked up with Hatake Sakumo's son, AND Uchiha Obito, Minato thought, he would be sent to somewhere a lot closer than Snow. 

Like _six feet straight down_.

* * *

"Minato-sensei has a girlfriend," Kakashi said, with the air like he was giving a report to a superior officer.

Obito blinked, mentally rewound his memory before he remembered, "Oh, right. Who?" he asked, now curious. 

"Uzumaki Kushina-san," Kakashi said, and started to lay out all his threads of evidence; he'd go and meet with Kushina at the ramen stall, and give his food to her. They sparred well together, and moved like one unit. That was more than good enough evidence was it not? 

"I suppose," Obito said, frowning. 

"It does make sense," Rin said. "After all, how can anyone respect anyone if they can't fight well together? And also, you've also heard that mission with that valley in Iwa right? She lugged Minato-sensei home afterwards, through three platoons of Iwa shinobi - it was actually fantastic." 

"Terrifying." 

"And fantastic," Rin said. And gave Kakashi a smile. "Good job." 

Kakashi brightened up. 

"Now whether we should use that information," Obito mused. 

"What, to blackmail Minato-sensei?" 

Kakashi blinked huge eyes at them. "He is our senior officer," he said, uncertainly. 

"We always should have more information on others than they have of ourselves," Rin said authoritatively. "It's the way of shinobi." 

Kakashi still looked unsure. 

"Doesn't mean we have to use it right now," Rin amended. "Besides someone is coming." 

Kakashi huffed. "It's just Otousan," he muttered, ducking his head, hunching a little. 

"Hatake Sakumo?" Both Obito and Rin straightened. 

"Hello," Hatake Fucking Sakumo said as he came up to the team. "Has Kakashi been behaving?" 

Kakashi's ears turned pink, fortunately shaded by his hair. 

"O-of course," Obito said. "Sakumo-sama." 

"Sakumo is fine," Sakumo laughed, and ruffled Kakashi's hair. 

"I've never seen a child less child-like, and a man less dignified," said someone else behind Obito, and Obito almost spun around in shock. 

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow at him. 

"Orochi," Sakumo said, smiling warmly. "Are you here for something?" 

"To have a little more detail on that report you had about the Kumo bloodline limit you saw on your prior missions. I'd like to have it straight from the horse's mouth, as it were," Orochimaru said, looking Rin and Obito and Kakashi over. "Hm." 

"Don't eat them please," Sakumo chuckled. "Come then, I can give you the details-" 

As they turned away, Obito leaned over to Rin. "What are they here for?" 

"Possibly to check on me," Kakashi said, a little petulantly, though it was covered very well. 

Rin snorted. "More like to make sure we weren't throwing you into the river. Remember how Minato-sensei screamed about it?" 

Obito sniggered a little. 

"But it was good training," Kakashi said, though he couldn't help smiling at the thought. "Can we do that again?"

* * *

"Do what again?" Minato said as he tried to arrive in some sort of decorum. But before Kakashi could reply, he abruptly realised who ELSE was nearby. 

"Ah, Namikaze-sensei," Sakumo said, smiling at him, his smile decidedly white and…. 

Wolfish. 

"May I have a word with you after today's training?" 

"Of. Of course," Minato managed, trying not to expire on the spot. 

Oh Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know how hard it was to find jounin who are OLDER THAN MINATO? Fuck. 
> 
> So that meant that I basically had to age up our OCs from Intel-Chuunin.
> 
> Hagane Gara: from Hagane Kotetsu's clan; Gara means Hilt. Made this guy up just for terrifying Minato. 
> 
> Tobitake Kamakiri: in our old AU, this was Tobitake Tonbo's oldest brother. Kamakiri means Praying Mantis. 
> 
> Akagi Kaeda: in our Intel AU, we'd had her be the Head of T&I and sub-department Applied Psychology (AppPsy), ten years prior to the start of the series. Scary, famous, face of Intel. Rumoured to addict her subordinates to drugs, and to have broken someone in 14 seconds with a glass of milk and a paper clip. So I aged her up a little for this fic, so she'd be a few years older than Minato, and not yet head of T&I or AppPsy.
> 
> (If anyone wants to read about the Ancient Intel-Chuunin RP i once had, it's posted [Here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/702315) and the Organization we had worked out for Intel is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10599294). Signed-in accounts only, folks!) 
> 
> Also: Higanbana, or red spider lily, is a flower grown in Japanese cemeteries and is pretty much a motif/symbol of death. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Hizashi.


	5. Oh no he's ... Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakumo and Minato have a talk. 
> 
> It goes _great_

"How is Kakashi-kun doing, Namikaze?" Sakumo asked, when the genin were far enough away that they couldn't overhear anything. 

Though to be fair, Minato wouldn't put it past any of them to have long long ears. Kakashi was, after all, a _chuunin_ , and might well have left a few recording jutsu around, and Obito was an Uchiha and Rin was the top scorer of her year - 

Maybe he should do another sweep. Just in case. 

"Nami - Minato-" 

Sakumo had to grab Minato by the arm before he stopped moving. "It's fine. There're no listening devices, I'd done a sweep." 

"Yes but -" 

"Do you not trust me?" Sakumo said. 

Oh _no_ , Minato thought, Hatake Sakumo thought Minato was _doubting_ him and his field experience and that was _not_ what he meant to do! 

"I never meant to imply that, Sakumo-san!" Minato blurted out. "There is no - I mean I didn't mean to impungn on your ability or skillset or -" 

"Why are you bowing," Sakumo said, looking mildly taken aback. 

"I apologise!" Minato exclaimed, and froze when Sakumo gripped him by both biceps and forcibly pulled him upright. 

He had very broad hands. 

Very broad. Very warm.

Very… strong. 

"You can breathe," Sakumo said, sounding amused. 

"I'm breathing!" 

He was, he totally was. And then he went even more still - if he could have, he'd probably have shattered - when Sakumo just pulled him against that strong, broad, and also, if anyone wanted to know, incredibly warm, chest. "You're hyperventilating," Sakumo rumbled right where Minato's cheek was smooshed against his sternum. "Breathe, Minato-sensei. In. out -" 

"I'm," Minato choked out, "breathing." 

He also could hear Sakumo's heartbeat, and the low rumble of his voice as the man exaggerated his breathing for Minato to follow and Ancestors, Minato had not been 'calmed down' from a panic attack in such a terrifying manner before. 

When he breathed _in_ , it was probably the _worst_. Because Sakumo smelled of sun-beaten leather and canvas, and the earthy scent of dog. Or possibly wolf. 

A big, silver wolf lounging in the sunlight sort of wolf. 

Heavens above, strike him down now. 

"Better?" Sakumo said, finally letting go when he judged Minato wasn't about to hyperventilate himself into the next plane of existence, and Minato staggered backwards. 

"Yes," Minato croaked. "Thank you, Sakumo-san." 

"Fresh from the front," Sakumo said, sympathetically. "I get that. The paranoia will fade."

Minato stared at him for a long moment. 

"What," he said, trying to straighten up and look vaguely presentable, and not at all like he'd been smooshed face first against the chest of Konoha's most eligible bachelor. 

Oh, and also the _real_ Hokage candidate. Can't forget that. 

Minato swallowed. "What was it you wanted to speak to me about, Sakumo-san?" 

"Ah," Sakumo said, throwing his shoulders back, and he looked incredibly serious. 

And dangerous. Oh no. Oh no, Minato thought. Sakumo was going to skin him for that time Rin dropped Kakashi off into the river. 

Or maybe the time Kakashi fell off a tree because Minato's grip on Obito had slipped and Kakashi caught the Uchiha with his face. 

Or that time when they were late doing who knows what and Minato had tried to scold them until Kakashi's huge big eyes looked like they were going to burst into tears. 

Had he gone and told his father? 

Had he _cried_ to his father??? 

"It's about Kakashi," Sakumo said. 

Minato could just feel his heart stop. 

He was going to die now. 

"How is he doing?" Sakumo said, and then suddenly he looked a little sheepish. "A father worries, you know." 

"... he's doing great?" Minato said, the choke of relief in his throat making him equally light-headed. "He's getting along great with the others."

"Ah, good, good," Sakumo said. "And missions? Have you started taking them out on missions yet?" 

"We're going to start soon," Minato said, mind racing forward. All of them were still so _tiny_ though! How could he take them on missions?! 

"Excellent. The mission desk should be starting up with some safe low-ranks now that the war is over." Sakumo hummed and tucked his hands into his pockets, and somehow made his shoulders look even broader.

"Ah," Minato said weakly. 

"I'm glad you think Kakashi is doing well. He has nothing but good things to say about his Minato-sensei," Sakumo said, while Minato's brain faltered at his words, "and seeing how you interact with your students, I'm all the more certain that I didn't make a mistake asking for you to be his sensei." 

Sakumo had asked for him? _Hatake Sakumo_ had asked for him? He took a step forward, but his brain had just gone completely blank. "I - " 

Then everything went abruptly side-ways. 

"Namika- Minato? Minato!"

* * *

Half an hour later found Minato huddling in a closet near the mission-desk. He had opened his eyes to realise that a) he'd fainted, b) he was in Hatake Sakumo's arms which meant that c) Hatake Sakumo had caught him. 

Thus he had leapt straight out of Sakumo's arms like an electrified fish and run the fuck away to the mission desk where they wouldn't be open for another two hours for the evening shift. 

Every time his brain strayed to the fact that Sakumo had asked for him personally, Minato's brain fizzled, so he was resolutely not thinking about it. Nor was he thinking about the fact that he literally swooned like some noble fragile civilian into Sakumo's ~~strong, warm~~ arms, and lost every shred of dignity he might have had after he'd apparently given the impression of having some sort of panic attack against Sakumo's chest. 

Even if the way Sakumo had wrapped those arms around him felt really really good. And safe. And war- 

MInato groaned and buried his head against his knees. Aaaargh. He was going to have to focus. 

Jutsu, he didn't bring his jutsu stores with him, which he never did when going to training because he meant to focus on the kids all the time, and not, not. Think of anything else. Without that to help - and the Tower's Archives being closed for the day, he was going to have to … think of something else. 

Like. Like the missions that he was going to have to take the kids on. Something safe, Saku- something safe, he thought to himself. Low ranked and safe. Maybe some sort of errand runs? They'd done it before, of course, all of them, so it shouldn't be too hard. They might find it boring though. What if they got bored and complained about it? He wasn't sure that that would teach them anything else though. Other than that war involved a lot of running back and forth. 

He was pretty sure they knew that already. 

He tried to think back to what he'd done as a genin - it was a little hazy. Sometimes he'd - his team - had helped out in the medic tents near the front; if they were unlucky, Tsunade-sama would be there and punch sensei across to the next few tents. 

What else…? Sneaking as close as possible to the enemy lines and stealing their supplies. It had honed his speed, that was for sure. There had to be something like that, he thought, even if there were no more enemy lines… 

Well it would take two more hours before he could get a peek at any missions for his team, he decided. He'd wait.

* * *

"We're … painting fences?" Rin said when Minato-sensei handed her the scroll. Kakashi had read it without any expression whatsoever.

"Yes," Minato-sensei said. 

"That's… very." 

"Safe," Minato-sensei said, though he looked completely dubious. "It pays relatively well." 

She squinted at it some more. Was there even any real training involved to it? 

"It'll build up your record a little," Minato-sensei said with finality. "Not every mission is interesting or life-and-death." 

"Well," Rin said and rolled the scroll back up. "At least it'll mean we'd have time afterwards to read up on more theory?" 

"There's that," Minato-sensei agreed, when Obito finally showed up, five minutes late and carrying - 

Oh no. Oh no. 

"Hi sensei! Sorry I'm late, Fugaku-sama said I had to - " 

"Is that a baby?" Kakashi said, eyes huge. 

"Yeah," Obito said. "Wanna hold him?" 

Kakashi already had his hands out. 

Obito unslung the baby from his back, and thrust the bundle of Uchiha into Kakashi's tiny hands. 

"Yay!" Shisui said. 

"Oh fuck no," Rin said.

* * *

"Fugaku!" Minato-sensei hollered at the front gate, all of them various levels of charred except Obito, because Obito had experience.

"Oh," Fugaku-sama said. "You're back. I thought it would be longer. "

"He's napping now, Fugaku-sama," Obito piped up.

"For fuck's sake, Fugaku!" Minato-sensei said, clearly being super impolite. Obito blinked a little when Minato pushed him and Shisui forward. "You owe me!" 

"Well," Fugaku-sama said, "that's a B-rank isn't it?" 

"You didn't warn me-!" Minato-sensei whisper-yelled, because Shisui was FINALLY asleep.

"Here," Fugaku-sama said, handing over a very VERY large bag of clinky coins. "Same time next week then? His mother's going on a mission and -" 

Minato-sensei snarled at him, but very quietly, so as not to wake Shisui. 

Very sensible. No one would want Shisui to wake up again after the day they'd had. 

That fence was never going to be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at the Gay Disaster Millennial Minato. 
> 
> Just look at him. 
> 
> Rin knows/knew just who and what Obito babysits because they're _friends_ for quite a while. 
> 
> She would vastly prefer to be far, far away from baby Shisui thank you very much.


	6. Well it could have gone worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minato takes his team on missions. 
> 
> It really, really could have gone worse.

There were some nights when he couldn't sleep that Minato knew he would be staring at the ceiling and listening to crickets because the physical or mental exhaustion just didn't work. Usually those happened in the grey twilight of dawn, when the night sky was in that in-between moment of night and day, too early to be up and too late to do anything at all. 

Well anything that wasn't assassinations. 

This was, however, the first time he'd woken up because he had been dreaming of really warm strong arms and silver hair, and a particularly sharp smile, and now he was staring up at the ceiling wishing his brain would kill itself okay thanks bye. 

There were so many reasons why Minato shouldn't be thinking of - of - Sakumo like this. 

One, Sakumo's son was his student. 

Two, Sakumo inherited the terrifying … everything of his sensei's; Uchiha Kagami had probably been the most terrifying Uchiha alive after Uchiha Madara, and if Minato dared to even breathe funny in his student's direction, Kagami would probably come straight out of the Pure Lands and set Minato's brain on fire. 

Three, Minato was Kakashi's sensei. 

So Minato was just, gonna lie here, and stare at the ceiling and will his brain to be as blank as possible. 

Hopefully this morning's mission won't involve babysitting.

* * *

Oh, did you know that Uchiha Shisui was Kagami's grandson? 

Minato had _not._

It explained so much. 

_So very much._

* * *

"This is _really_ gross," Rin said, staring at the bucket of barley she had been handed. Parts of it… squirmed. 

Obito was already leaning right away from it, and Kakashi looked completely rooted to the spot. 

"I could set fire to it," Obito said, and _twitched_ when a tiny little black head stuck out from the pale powdery surface of the grain.

"No, that's not the mission goal," Minato-sensei said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "We're supposed to pick them out." 

"And what, pick them up with our _fingers_?" Obito asked. 

Rin stared some more. The white little bodies almost, _almost_ the same shade as the barley, squished into themselves and … moved. Elongated. If she stared long enough, it was almost a hypnotic squish-slosh of movement within the… insectoid skin. 

It wasn't even anywhere near as gross as the Aburame, she thought, who kept their insects' larvae safe from everyone's fingers and also they were more like cute fat caterpillars. 

These were. Not. 

Kakashi finally leaned in and very carefully reached out, with just his two fingers and picked up one little black head. 

It curled right up over his fingertip, and he _squeaked_ , flinging the offending larvae off and it landed on Obito's hair. 

Obito shrieked, and kicked over a bucket, and there was at least a DOZEN of wriggling worms on the floor over Rin's FEET. 

Two hours, two katon and a barely controlled lightning jutsu later, they had at least finished sifting out half the barley. 

No one was very hungry. 

Well. 

No one except Minato-sensei, who had broken out a ration bar and was dutifully chewing on it. 

"How can you still eat?" Rin said, disgusted.

"It's technically free protein," Minato said. "I mean in the field it could be worse. Still, that is also why we ate ration bars. Here." He handed one to her. "It's got nuts in it. Eat up, we still have another forty-kilos to go."

* * *

The next mission was at least… well if not safe, at least his team was less likely to start screaming about little insects. 

Or at least, he hoped they wouldn't. There shouldn't be much insects involved. 

Probably. 

It was at least in the Village? 

"Took you long enough to show up," Orochimaru said from the doorway of his lab. 

"I heard he does human experimentation," Obito whispered to Rin behind Minato's back, unfortunately not low enough to NOT be overheard by keen-eared people .

Like Minato .

And… unfortunately, Orochimaru. 

"We had to go get cleaned up," Minato said, studiously saying nothing about the fact that it had taken a while to get Obito to hold still for them to pick the larvae out of his hair. Kakashi had literally gone and dunked his head into the nearby stream to get all the barley powder out of his hair. 

Even Minato had had to go get a wipe off because you wouldn't believe how _much_ dust there was in granaries. 

None of them were going to be able to eat anything grain-like for a while, Minato thought, and it was probably a black mark in his teaching somewhere that _Students got traumatised by worms_ was going to be on his literal report. 

"Hn," Orochimaru said, looking Minato up and down. "Well at least I hadn't planned on any human experiments today," he said, dry as barley dust. 

Before indicating where they were to go. 

"Clean the test tubes, don't drop any," Orochimaru told the genin. "And you're Sakumo's son aren't you? You can pick up and order the experimental reports." 

Which, Minato thought was thankfully normal and dry and the kids while looking dubiously at the ominous bubbling liquids on various counters, at least did not include worms of any sorts. 

He could relax- 

"And Namikaze," Orochimaru said, "You get to fix the archives up." 

"What?" Minato startled.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Every _time_ I go into the Tower's archives, I find you've rifled through every damn thing on jutsu creation and theory, and I spend two hours reordering the absolute _mess_." 

"That's not me," Minato protested. "Just because I use it sometimes -" 

"At _all_ hours," Orochimaru said. "I _know_ it's you, Manda finds your scent _everytime_. There's an _index_ for a reason!" 

"I don't leave a mess, I only put them down for a moment -" 

"You put things wherever your chipmunk brain takes a new flight of fancy. If you wish to have your own records be a mess according to whatever counts as 'organization' in your squirrel brain, you can make copies and do that in your own space. These are Nidaime-sama's _personal_ notes and I will _not_ have them messed up!" 

Rin and Kakashi had paused to stare at Minato and Orochimaru arguing. And really Minato was presenting as a _terrible_ role model right now, because you don't argue with your client but sometimes, (many times) your client could be _wrong_. 

"It's a bad system," Minato protested, "It's all organized chronologically rather than subject or broad topic! I _have_ to dig out many records over several years to examine the hiraishin -" 

"Are you saying that _you_ know better how it should be indexed?" Orochimaru sniffed. 

"Chronological is probably the worst way to organise Nidaime-sama's notes!" 

"As if Nidaime-sama does not _also_ record what else was inspiring him -" 

"Those are _irrelevant_ tangents!" 

"- Which are relevant and important contextual thoughts in understanding his personal process in scientific research!" 

Orochimaru was all but _in_ Minato's space, now, leaning down and in to hiss intensely at Minato, and Minato was feeling his own need to bite _crackle_ around him - 

"Ah, What are you yelling about now, Orochi?" Sakumo said mildly from the doorway. 

Minato froze at the sound. 

"He's the one who has been messing up the archives," Orochimaru said, hooking his hair behind his ear. 

"I was not -" 

"And you're going to clean it up."

Minato glowered at Orochimaru. "I will _not_." 

"Isn't the client always right?" Orochimaru's smirk widened. "Namikaze-san." 

Minato's eyes narrowed. 

"Maa, I'll go with him," Sakumo said. "Don't bully the kids, Orochimaru."

"Do I look like the type, Sakumo? Children are too tough to eat." Obito squeaked. Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "Get going before Namikaze runs away." 

"I am NOT going to -" 

"Minato-sensei," Sakumo said, catching his hand around Minato's elbow. Minato froze. "We'd better go get to the archives." 

Sakumo smiled at him, and Minato's brain fizzled a little, without an answer besides mutely nodding.

* * *

Kakashi wished his father wouldn't just keep showing up like this; it was _obvious_ that he was checking up on Kakashi - he knew that Father hadn't really approved of him being promoted to chuunin, and had kept asking about how he was doing with Obito-senpai and Rin-senpai, but this was getting a little much. 

"Concerned about your sensei?" Orochimaru said, idly, not even looking at him. 

"No," Kakashi said, shortly. "Sensei can handle himself. He was part of the Matsu Pass Campaign, after all." 

"Is that so," Orochimaru said, but he didn't sound at all surprised, just considering. 

"You shouldn't give Minato-sensei a hard time," Kakashi said. 

"Am I," Orochimaru hummed, folding his long fingers against his arms. 

Kakashi made a face at the scrolls, though he looked up when he felt Orochimaru's presence slip to the side. 

And then loom straight over Obito - making him yelp. 

"You need to clean them again," Orochimaru said. 

"I cleaned them!" 

"Not well enough," Orochimaru said. "Do them again." 

Obito side-eyed him through his orange goggles but shoved them back down into the small tub of soapy water, fishing amongst the bubbles for the test-tube brush. Kakashi wondered where he got those goggles - what could they be good for, he wondered. 

They looked so cool. 

"You kinda were yelling at Minato-sensei," Rin said, apropos of nothing, from the other sink at the opposite of the lab.

"An intellectual disagreement," Orochimaru said. "You're done with those test-tubes then, Nohara-kun?" 

"Done," Rin said, holding up a sample of her work, already organized upside down on drying racks. 

Orochimaru hummed, and nodded. "Then the other glassware if you please, Nohara-kun."

* * *

"Well," Orochimaru said when he went back to the archives that night and glanced over the index. 

"He spent hours organizing it," Sakumo said, leaning against a bookshelf, redolent like a sleepy wolf. 

"Of course he did," Orochimaru said. "And you didn't notice he _reorganized_ it entirely according to topic, rather than chronological?" 

"You know I don't read, Orochi," Sakumo said, shrugging. 

"You're soft on the little chit," Orochimaru said. "And he's slyer than I thought." 

Sakumo hummed, and smiled. "I don't think you mind." 

Orochimaru refused to dignify that with an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kagami being Sakumo's sensei was suggested by Evocates, and I found it HILARIOUS so. YOINKED. :D Thanks Evocates! In return, you may have HATAKE ARE MUSHROOM FARMERS. Also, you may have the "who Kagami Married" headcanon. >:3 
> 
> Today's mission with BARLEY is brought to you by PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OH GOD OH GOD OHG OD


	7. Situation Normal: All Fucked Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well. 
> 
> It gets worse.

It was not a good day. It never was, when it was that time of the month, but it was an _extra_ trying time. 

She supposed she should have been grateful that they weren't out of Konoha, dodging actual enemy patrols, or dodging civilian arrows. Those would have _sucked_ huge dog balls, because when being forced to run for long periods over the length of hours, she would have gotten murderous really quickly. 

Not that she wasn't feeling all that murderous right now. 

Minato-sensei was so intelligent and knew so much, and of course he had an equally high expectation of them as his students. Just the other day he'd mentioned about the use of explosive tags in a very wet environment, and Rin had managed to answer his question about the use of chakra nets in conjunction with those. 

But today? He'd asked about chakra _mats_ , which was a variation of chakra nets but anchored differently, and she'd read about it last night, she _had_ , but she was running on three hours of interrupted sleep, because of _well it was that time of the montht_ , and her mother had been asking whether she was keeping up with her fuuinjutsu as well because Minato-sensei was really well known for using and creating them on the fly, plus he was one of the seals experts second to Uzumaki-san you know, and Uzumaki-san doesn't take students. 

(Can't take students, her mother had said but no matter _how_ Rin asked, she didn't elaborate. Couldn't elaborate? Rin didn't know.) 

And even if Uzumaki Kushina wasn't their sensei, she was Minato-sensei's _girlfriend_ ; she occasionally did show up to watch them - and when she did, Minato-sensei always started talking about seals a lot more, which meant of _course_ Rin had to read up and practice as much as she COULD. 

Her head was hurting - which was probably a combination of the whole time of the month, having spent all night reading and focusing chakra in an attempt to understand the _theory_ , and not getting enough _fucking sleep_ , and of course she couldn't answer Minato-sensei. 

"Oh," Minato-sensei said, and he was _so nice_ , always so kind, never scolded anyone, not like their supervisors on their field requirements, or the Academy Sensei. "I thought since you knew the theory about the chakra-tags - I thought this was fairly basic…" 

She'd _read_ about it, but she couldn't _remember_ it, and she'd dropped her head in frustration… 

And after that. 

On lunch break? 

Kakashi came up to her. 

"Rin-senpai, it's been two days," he said. "Yesterday you had friendship days with Obito-senpai, and before that Obito-senpai and I did -" 

And for _fuck's sake_ , the kid had been keeping _track of days_?!

* * *

Obito was a little too far to do anything when he'd looked up, and noticed that Rin had that little pinched line between her eyebrows - she hadn't looked too happy when she hadn't been able to answer Minato-sensei's question, and Kakashi had. Well, Kakashi's answer wasn't full or complete but it was more than what Rin managed (or even Obito, because Obito had been dead to the world for a whole week running, because every _parent_ in the Clan had been on mission, it seemed, which meant that Obito had been making sure all the kids were fed and diapered and at least not killing themselves or each other and that Shisui wasn't leading the rest of the Clan's infants into the well) and Rin never liked not knowing the _answers._. 

Not knowing the answers was a quick way to get _dead_ , their Field Supervisors had told them, and while Obito's answer was usually "a katon?" or "run the fuck away", Rin liked getting the _correct_ answers. 

He'd left her alone to stew for a bit, because that's what you did when Rin got all broody over academic and learning stuff. 

But then Kakashi-kun was going up to her and - 

Obito wasn't close enough to drag him back - 

And Rin _yelled_. 

"I'm _sick_ of you just coming up and bothering me all the time! We're teammates, not _friends_ , and you're a little shitty know-it-all trying to steal MY friend and MY time and I don't LIKE you!" 

Kakashi didn't burst into tears. 

But that was probably _worse_.

* * *

Of all things to happen, Minato honestly hadn't expected this. Rin was so even keeled most of the time, and so well-learned, he hadn't thought much of, well, asking her anything. 

It wasn't like he'd known precisely what the Academy's curriculum was, after all. 

But her suddenly blowing up on Kakashi? 

That was - that was not _good_! 

"Rin-kun!" He said, dropping everything he had been holding. "Stop that at once! Stop yelling -" 

What else what - 

Rin looked up at him, cheeks bright red and then. 

Promptly burst into tears.

Shit!

Shit shit _shit!_

"What did you do, Kakashi?!" Minato said, because if _Rin_ was crying, then it must have been the other kid's fault,somehow, because he couldn't think of any other reason, and if - if - it worked in the field, giving everyone an equal dressing down generally equalised any fighting and then everyone was happy that no one person was specifically getting a scolding and humiliation so that would - this would work right? Treat everyone equally? 

Kakashi's little hands clenched into tight fists. 

"You shouldn't be bothering Rin-kun if she doesn't want to be bothered," Minato said, grasping at straws. 

"It's not my fault!" Kakashi burst out. "It's _Obito-senpai_! He said - he said -" 

And Kakashi hiccuped. Minato blinked, feeling his own eyes widen. 

"I didn't say anything," Obito protested, as he rushed forward. 

"You said that we could spend time separately and _together_ and i tried but it didn't work and it's _your_ fault!" Kakashi yelled. 

"I just said -" 

"Don't yell at Obito!" Rin shouted, thick and muffled and her chakra was wavering, sparking a little. "You just wouldn't leave him alone, so it's nothing to do with him!" 

Obito's eyes were huge now. "Rin - Rin it's nothing, it's okay, Kakashi-kun doesn't mean -" 

"It _is_ your fault, and now everything is _wrong_ \- " and Kakashi hiccuped and it turned into a massive sob that took _everyone_ by surprise. 

Big fat tears fell down his face and Kakashi _wailed_. 

"Stop- stop _crying-_!" Rin cried, but then she too was screaming - wet and hiccuppy and Minato didn't know what on _earth_ to do, not when - 

Obito looked back and forth between them and then.

 _He too started to wail_. 

Minato'd fucking _broken his team_ , he realised with stunned, icy horror. 

All three of them were crying, huge gut-wrenching sounds that he had no idea how to stop, let alone how to fix, and - 

And of course, Hatake fucking Sakumo showed up right then.

* * *

Hatake Sakumo looked them over, his expression not even changing at the fact that Minato's team was literally in pieces and that the man himself looked barely put together; and then reached down and picked up his son, turning his wailing face against his chest to let the boy muffle himself against him. 

Then he turned to Rin and took her by the shoulder. "Rin-kun is it? Come, walk with me. Obito-kun, go fetch some water for everyone." 

The little Uchiha hiccupped, surprised to be spoken to, but at the encouraging nod from Sakumo, obligingly trotted off, still sniffling loudly. 

Sakumo glanced at Minato, trying to give him an encouraging smile, before walking off with the other two, so that he could have some time to pull himself together.

* * *

As soon as Rin and Sakumo turned away, Minato's knees gave out, and he collapsed gracelessly onto the grass, head slamming painfully into his palms. 

He'd fucked up. He'd fucked up so badly, he didn't even know where to start. 

Nevermind that Hatake Sakumo would never want him near his son again, _Minato_ wouldn't want Minato near anyone again. How the fuck had he managed to screw up so badly? How in the hell, he thought, had he even managed to survive the war, leading squads at a time, if he couldn't even handle three little genin? 

He'd broken them, all of them, and he had no idea how to fix it. 

He was the worst sensei in the history of all sensei, in the history of all _Konoha_. Soon the Uchiha Clan and Sakumo and then the entirety of the Council of Elders and Sandaime-sama were going to descend on him and it wasn't the fact that he'd failed somehow the honour and their trust in him being somehow, undeservedly, named a Hokage Candidate. No, he already knew he'd not been _worthy_. 

The worst part was that he'd been trusted with three little genin, three shinobi, supposed to oversee and train them and he'd broken them beyond repair and _Hatake Sakumo_ had to come in and fix it. He didn't even know if this could be fixed! What if these kids quit being shinobi? 

It was worse than the stories that he'd heard from the other jounin - this was - was - if the kids all quit because of him, he wouldn't even have the _face_ to leave his room. He might as well jump into the river right now.

He wasn't an idiot. They were fresh out of a war, and while it was now safer for kids to take their time to become shinobi, it wasn't like they were running on a _surplus_ of manpower. They were always going to be needing new blood to replace the idiots like Minato, and them putting three young, bright, full of _potential_ talents in his hand? He was betraying their trust, he was betraying the _Village_ , by breaking them. Worse than simply losing a kid to injury - at least the medics could patch them up, somewhat (not that that was really much better) but. 

But. 

Losing their will to be shinobi? Minato would just rather ask for the transfer straight to Earth Country, where they would probably rip him apart slowly and he'd _deserve it_. 

Something knocked against his elbow. 

"Sensei?" 

Minato jolted up, blinking up to see Obito - while his face was tearstained, he was at least no longer sniffling. 

Just a little red-eyed but at least he wasn't… Wasn't. Crying. 

"Yeah, Obito-kun?" he said, and twitched a little when Obito swung a plastic bottle towards him again; Minato snagged it from his fingers before it hit him in the cheek. 

"Water," Obito said, unnecessarily, and then chewed his lip. 

"Thanks, Obito-kun." 

He eyed the little plastic cap, taking a deep breath. He felt like - like something was broken in him, somewhere. 

He twisted the plastic cap open, and took a big swallow. 

"Sensei?" Obito said, hesitantly. "You… are you alright?" 

No, Minato thought, he was not alright. 

"I fucked up," he said, lowly, and made himself recap the bottle before he accidentally tipped all the water out. 

"Um," Obito said. 

"I fucked up real bad," Minato said. "And I don't…" he took a deep breath. "I don't even know why Rin-kun started crying like that." 

"Uh," Obito said, shuffling his feet. 

Minato eyed his feet, then looked up. "Sit down? Please? Obito-kun. Do you know why?" 

Obito gingerly sat down, carefully mirroring Minato's pose, and Minato tried not to wince. 

"You called her stupid, Sensei," Obito said. 

"What?" Minato almost dropped the water bottle. "I did not! When did I say that?" 

"Just now," Obito said, blinking at him. "When you asked her and she said she'd read it, but she didn't know the answer -" 

"I said it was alright," Minato said, perplexed. He'd called her stupid? How? How on earth - he'd not even _thought_ it, was his brain to mouth filter not only broken, it had been hijacked by someone _else?_ Was there mind control involved?! 

"She said she had read it, but didn't remember," Obito said, sounding patient, " _and_ she has a migraine 'cause she's on her period -" 

"I told her it was okay," Minato protested. "I - I didn't even know she was - " 

"You said it was basic," Obito said. 

"I said I _thought_ ," Minato started. 

"Which means you said she was stupid. Or lazy," Obito said, frankly, somehow emboldened. 

"But I -" 

"Sensei," Obito said, slowly, big dark eyes searching Minato's face. "Rin's not from a big famous Clan. _I_ am. Kakashi-kun's father's famous. _You_ are famous." 

But, Minato wanted to say. But she was the smartest in her batch. She was the most accomplished - 

"She doesn't have a family with any sorta name," Obito said, " _and_ she's the only girl here." 

"But-" 

"She wants to be _worthy_ of being on this team." 

Minato felt his mouth open, but he had no idea what to say. 

"You look like one of my older cousins," Obito said, thoughtfully, "who just been asked to babysit us younger ones." Obito tipped his head a little. "You don't know what you're doing, do you?" 

It wasn't a question, even with the little raise at the end. Obito knew. 

Minato shut his mouth and swallowed. 

"I. I don't know anything." He admitted. "I don't - Look, I'm famous for managing to take down fifty Iwa-nin at once. But that has nothing to do with _teaching_." 

Obito looked steadily at him, and then reached out to pat Minato on the arm, gently. 

Minato blinked. 

"Kakashi-kun wants friends, but doesn't know how to make them," he said. "Rin wants to know she's good enough." 

Minato's mouth twitched a little. "And what do you want, Obito-kun?" 

The boy shrugged. 

The only one who wasn't fucked up, Minato realised, was actually pretty broken too. 

"We're gonna have to figure out what you want then, huh," Minato said, reaching out and carefully putting his hand on top of Obito's head. 

"I'm not a _kid_ , sensei!" 

The other corner of Minato's mouth twitched up. "But I'm taller than you. When you're taller than me than we can talk about who can pat whom." 

"Sensei!" 

Well, Minato thought, and unscrewed the bottle-cap again to take another gulp of water. 

He was fucked, and he'd fucked up. But maybe there was nothing to lose in asking for help.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was thanks to Evocates who is an expert and basically walked me through this entire chapter because i was screaming so much. :D 
> 
> Though not as much as Minato.


	8. Help Obtained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minato seeks help after his team has a complete meltdown. 
> 
> There's no way that he'll fuck it up _this_ time.

"You're seeking my advice," Orochimaru said. 

He looked a little bemused - well, Minato thought that was bemusement - because Minato'd only ever seen cool, almost cruel sneers. 

But then, Orochimaru was probably the one jounin that Minato could think of who'd let Minato know, precisely, in small enough words, just how Minato'd fucked up, and not try to soften _anything_. 

After all, Orochimaru had been very quick to explain, thoroughly, just what he thought of Minato's filing system. 

"Yes," Minato said. "I mean, you're basically - a consultant with T&I on human behaviour -" 

And far less personable than the Yamanaka. Despite appearances, Minato knew that Orochimaru's experiments tended to involve human subjects a lot less often than his reputation suggested. Or rather, his human subjects tended to involve psychological experimentation, rather than the body bits. 

That, he knew, came under the medics' purview. 

Orochimaru snorted, but he wasn't glaring at Minato. 

"So you really want my assessment?" Orochimaru said, tapping his fingers against his desk. 

He had looked rather annoyed when Minato had first come in, probably because he had been in the middle of something, but now he looked thoughtful. 

Minato nodded, braced himself for - well, anything. 

Orochimaru regarded him for a moment, folding his hands under his chin. "You know," he said, "I have read your mission-reports." 

"You … have?" That wasn't what he expected to hear. 

"Mm. You're very good at what you do." Orochimaru's golden gaze was almost hypnotic, as he just _looked_ at Minato, almost unblinking. 

"Uh." 

"Oh, you're terrible at teaching," Orochimaru said, before Minato could make more words fall out of his mouth. Orochimaru's lips quirked up at the corner. "But you're good, very good at killing people." 

"That's… accurate," Minato said. 

"You'd graduated straight into the war didn't you?" It wasn't really a question; if Orochimaru had read his files, he'd _know_ that that was pretty much the case - not precisely the war, but he'd graduated and started running missions that were more or less involved _with_ the war, even if Jiraiya-sensei hadn't been all that keen on dragging them to active war-zones. 

"And the time that you'd pretty much decimated the Iwagakure forces." 

"Not exactly decimated -" 

"I meant what I said," Orochimaru said. "You single-handedly removed a full tenth of the Iwagakure forces." 

Minato didn't quite wince. 

He remembered that incident. He doubted he'd _ever_ forget it; it was when he and Kushina had turned up, after running for two days, and finding their own forces cornered, outnumbered by a ludicrous number of Iwa-nin. 

_"Have they been cloning themselves?"_ Kushina had said, while Minato looked over the battlefield. 

And he just, let her demand the sit-rep from those remaining, while he crouched down and touched the ground. There was no time to worry about the fact that he was exhausted, having come straight from another battle, barely healed and running on pure adrenaline. 

No time, no time at all, so he couldn't just go out there and kill a swathe of them to break free, they had too many injured to protect. 

So he'd just. 

He'd just _dealt_ with it. 

Orochimaru watched him. 

Minato twitched a little. "Yes," he said. "I'm very good at killing people. In an extremely targeted fashion." 

"Various reports confirm that you took only half a minute, maybe less, to figure out who the field commander was and where he was. A brilliant show of lightning quick strategic analysis. Very few could look on a chaotic field like that and figure it out so quickly," Orochimaru said, still watching him. 

Minato jerked his head, unsure why Orochimaru was praising him. He _knew_ what happened. After all, he had been _there_. 

Iwa-nin were a little more varied in their jutsu-types than Kiri-nin, but their fundamental training started with heavy, grounded moves. It meant that he could detect who was moving where, and what, just by touching the earth, sensing their movements. 

Thirty-seconds to analyse them all. 

Then. 

Charge buzzed overhead - and then. 

Lightning snapped up from every single team-leader and the Field Commander, white-blue streaks screaming towards the sky. 

He didn't remember much of it, afterwards, because Kushina had had to slap some chakra into him so he'd stay upright. 

But the Iwa had pretty much surrendered after that. 

"But," Orochimaru's voice gentled, oddly enough, "You've never had to try to understand how people think. Have you?" 

Minato frowned a little. 

"Thrown straight into the battlefield, you were basically quickly promoted through the ranks. You've led teams, but you rarely actually worked _with_ them, have you?" Orochimaru said. "Not having had to understand how people think, how to be a leader." 

Orochimaru's smile twisted a little, but it wasn't directed at Minato. "We promote based on the ability to kill very fast and very efficiently, but that doesn't mean anything in effective leadership or group management." 

" _Exactly_ ," Minato exclaimed. "It's. You're, you're so right, I don't know anything, I fucked up with the team so bad - I made them _all_ cry just the other day--!" 

He was the _worst_. 

Orochimaru exhaled. 

"And Hatake-san _saw!_ " 

Orochimaru snorted. "What do you think he saw, Minato-kun?" 

"A failure. A fuc-" 

"A fuck-up?" Orochimaru enquired mildly. "I would love to see Sakumo's face if I told him that. I should tell him that." 

Minato gaped at him. 

"That was a joke." Orochimaru rolled his eyes at him. "You're a young, first time jounin-sensei. You should have asked for help at once." 

"I did! I asked Sandaime-sama-" 

"And he passed you this little pamphlet which looked like it was drawn by a five-year-old?" Orochimaru said. "I've seen it. It's amazing Jiraiya didn't actually drown you by accident." 

"It's apparently more than other jounin-sensei _get_ ," Minato said. "The others -" 

"Told you horror stories, about losing, drowning, injuring, or otherwise having their students quit at high speed," Orochimaru interrupted.

Minato blinked. 

"They're horror stories, Minato-kun," Orochimaru said, just a touch patronisingly, because obviously, Orochimaru wasn't used to being _kind_. "Horror stories told to fuck with you, the young, new, first-time sensei. Children are more resilient than you think." 

He stood up while Minato was gaping at him. "I have a few books you might have a look at. You may borrow them but -" he looked back at him. "Do _not_ file them anywhere. Return them to me _personally_ , understood?" 

Minato blinked, and nodded. 

"Because if I find you've filed them under 'c for children', I will have to filet you." Orochimaru smiled. "And that is _not_ a horror story." 

He picked up an inch-thick book from his shelf. "It's a promise."

* * *

Rin hadn't wanted to go to training the next day, but Obito had promised, _promised_ it'd be alright. 

Minato-sensei wasn't mad, he'd said. 

In fact… 

Minato-sensei met her on the cross-roads towards their usual meeting spot. 

"I'm sorry," he said, before she could say anything at all. "I'm not a … like I told Obito-kun yesterday, I really don't know what I'm doing. You're my first genin-team." He gave her a sheepish smile. "You're the best graduate from your batch, Rin-kun. In fact, I think you know more about basic theories and techniques than I do. So please, be patient while I figure out how to even teach any of you anything, alright?" 

Rin stared at him and nodded.

* * *

"Eight hours a _week_? Did I just hear you say that?" 

"Yes?" 

Minato didn't duck when Orochimaru swung a report at him - only a few sheets of paper thick, no big deal. 

"You little _idiot_! Eight hours a DAY. To _start_! Children usually need more, and as they hit puberty - how are you even as tall as you are now? Go. Take. A. Nap. Right now!" 

Minato ran home before Orochimaru could stab him with a sedative.

* * *

Eight hours a day was a little difficult, but when he saw how relieved the kids were at getting to start training at 11 rather than 8 in the morning, he had to concede that Orochimaru was right. 

He might not be able to actually _sleep_ that long without waking up every two hours, restless with remembered noise and half faded dreams, but he thought he was a little better able to focus on his own research when he couldn't fall back asleep. 

Orochimaru's filing system still was wrong though.

* * *

It was a little awkward, afterwards, because Kakashi knew he'd somehow made everything go wrong, even though Father had told him it was perfectly normal, and perfectly fine, and it hadn't been his fault really. 

But if Rin-senpai and Obito-senpai didn't want to be friends anymore…? It would definitely _be_ his fault! 

"Hey," Rin said when he showed up trying not to hunch. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Kakashi-kun." 

Kakashi straightened a little. "Rin-senpai?" 

"I was kinda, stressed," she said, glancing back to where Obito and Minato were talking. "You know, Minato-sensei, he's so smart and so famous, I couldn't help but, you know, not want to look stupid in front of everyone." 

"You're not stupid!" Kakashi exclaimed. "Who said you were?" 

Rin-senpai rolled her eyes. "Little twerp. No one _said_. I just was afraid." 

"Fear is the enemy of the mission," Kakashi said. 

"That's dumb, it's _Fear is the enemy of completed missions_ ," Rin-senpai said. 

"I know I read it from the library," Kakashi insisted. 

"The school section? Or the _original_ scroll?" Rin-senpai said. 

Two minutes later, Minato looked over in alarm. "Rin - rin no! Don't -" 

And Kakashi got tipped over into the river.

Again. 

But Rin-senpai was laughing so that was alright.

* * *

Getting more time in the mornings meant he could pack better bentos. Sensei not knowing _anything_ , and he'd admitted as much, meant that Obito actually kinda felt better. He was the _bento expert_ here, and the expert at dealing with littler kids, which was nice to know. 

Sensei explained a bit more, and brought more books and stuff to training so they could all read and try it out together. Teamwork was important, Minato-sensei said. So they all learned and read stuff up together rather than Rin trying to cram it all at night and not having time to think about it all day until after training. 

Unfortunately, being more free meant that the others saw Obito around a lot more, so he got roped into more babysitting. Even though _missions_ were involved.

"No, Shisui-chan," Minato-sensei started to say, and Obito had to run over to pick up his baby cousin before he could pick up the shovel Kakashi-kun had just put down. 

"No, don't touch the shovel, alright?" he aimed the baby away from it, so Kakashi could hurriedly put away the other tools from the curious baby. 

Shisui hiccuped. 

The nearby dry bush caught fire. 

"Oh no, Shisui-kun!" 

The escorting Suna team they were working with glared at Obito and the baby as the rest of the very dry plants that marked the start of Kaze territory started to catch fire. 

"Fucking Uchiha," said one of them.

* * *

"I hear," Sakumo said, sipping Orochimaru's tea from where he was watching Orochimaru put his books back in meticulous order, "that you're helping Minato-sensei on the teaching front." 

"It's a travesty who they let teach young impressionable minds these days," Orochimaru sniffed. "Stop drinking my tea." 

"It's going to get cold." Sakumo put the cup down and refilled it from Orochimaru's teapot. "Which would be a travesty, since it's good silver needle." 

"I like it cool," Orochimaru said, but he fetched another cup from his drawer to pour himself some. 

"Cat's tongue," Sakumo teased. 

"Was there a point of you coming here, besides to steal my tea?" 

"It's sweet that you've taken him under your wing." 

"I have taken _no one_ under my wing," Orochimaru said. "He's merely ignorant, not stupid." 

"So he has potential?" Sakumo said, and smiled wider when Orochimaru glared at him. 

"It's your _own_ son being taught by inadequate teachers, how can you not be worried?" 

"With you helping Minato-kun, how can I be worried?" 

Orochimaru picked up a scalpel and looked meaningfully at Sakumo. 

Sakumo just laughed and drank more tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obito: IT'S JUST A LITTLE FIRE!   
> shisui: *hiccups a fireball*   
> obito: oh no, shisui that's bad   
> Desert Scrub: *catches fire*   
> Suna: FOR FUCKS SAKE
> 
> (yes, Shisui got a headstart on that Reputation alright. How likely was that Suna shinobi Baki? :P) 
> 
> ~~... actually not Baki, probably, because based on my calculations, Baki is probably only 8 years older than Shisui. Probably.~~


	9. Make a Man Out of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the help is still coming... hooray?

One thing that Minato wasn't sure he should be entertained by or not was how Orochimaru had demanded the booklet that Sandaime-sama had given him, and then eviscerated it. 

All while saying _precisely_ what was wrong with each page. 

"Take _notes_ , Namikaze," he'd said, with almost sibilant viciousness as he stabbed the front page with a terrifyingly large scalpel. 

(Did scalpels come in that size?) 

Just the first page on _diet_ , coupled with everything Obito had apparently learned from his aunt, had filled three pages of Minato's notebook with Orochimaru's precise, scathing phrases. 

Minato was learning a lot of new words because food science was decidedly _not_ his area of expertise, while Orochimaru apparently knew _all things_ physiological. 

"Idiot," Orochimaru said, looking startled when Minato thanked him afterwards. "I don't want the children to keel over dead from your ignorance." 

"Thank you for correcting my ignorance anyway?" 

Orochimaru's eyes narrowed a little. "I merely am directing you to where to start." 

Minato looked down at his notebook already starting to fill with all of Orochimaru's 'notes'. "Thank you." 

Orochimaru stared at him more, before waving him out of the door.

* * *

Minato had just come home from training to poke in his tiny kitchen and see if there was anything he could eat without trying to burn (as much as Orochimaru-san had lectured him about proper nutrition, Minato really only knew how to heat up ready meals from the konbini. Orochimaru's horrified expression had been… well. Minato didn't want to _repeat_ that, because Orochimaru's words got _simpler_ and more patronising. The slower his words got, the higher the danger level, Minato was guessing.) 

"You're doing better at this teaching thing, I hear," Mikoto said behind him. 

Minato barely missed dropping a carton of milk as he whipped around. 

"Mikoto?! What -" 

Kushina's face popped up behind Mikoto's shoulder. "There's nothing to eat in your place," she complained. 

"That's because you ate everything," Minato said. "No wonder there's nothing here that'd fit the definition of _healthy_." 

"By whose standards?" Kushina said. 

"Orochimaru-san would be -" 

"Ah, _Orochimaru-san_ ," Mikoto said, without even changing expression as she curled her hand over Kushina's wrist that had wound around her waist. 

"Stop, there's nothing," Minato said, "He's just helping with the whole, understanding kids - wait. Kushina, did you just -" 

"Your place was closer," Kushina said cheerfully. 

Minato made a noise. "Did you use the spare at least?" He demanded, pushing past them and get to his tiny bedroom. 

"Couldn't find them," Kushina said. 

"I told you to just use my spare futon next time!" Minato yelled as he yanked open his cupboard.

The milk still forgotten in his hand spilled out and splashed all over his spare bedding. 

"Dammit!" 

"Well," Kushina said. "At least it's sunny?" 

Minato glared at her. 

Mikoto patted Kushina's arm and glided right back into the kitchen to start making tea.

* * *

With Orochimaru-san's pile of books, Minato really did have a few recommended further reading from the bibliographies to continue searching through. 

While a lot of it was "every child is different" and "management strategies involve listening a lot", he'd somehow managed to accidentally stumble upon the right way of "admitting you'd fucked up will gain your subordinates' trust". Apparently this worked for children too. 

(He couldn't remember a time he'd had a superior or an adult apologise to him. Huh.) 

Rin and Kakashi seemed to be working together a bit better - or rather, be friendlier. He'd caught them following him several times post-mission which was a thing to celebrate - better friendship-making via stalking, a great relationship builder if nothing else. 

It reminded him of the training that sensei had given his team before he'd graduated out of that; a bell-test. 

Maybe now that they were better friends, he could try that with them. 

Speaking of Sensei, Minato squinted a little at the pile of white hair on the rooftop of his building. 

… 

What was Jiraiya-sensei doing here?

* * *

"Heard you have your own students now," Jiraiya said, taking the ration bar out of Minato's hands even before Minato could open his mouth. 

"I'd ask how you found out but you always knew too much," Minato said, frowning at the loss of his dinner snack.

"Eh." Jiraiya waved the ration bar around, before peeling it open. "How come you're still eating these things?" 

"You could just give it back," Minato said. 

Jiraiya bit off half of the bar - if he really was so against the ration bars he wouldn't be eating them out of Minato's hands, Minato thought, and sat himself down next to Jiraiya. 

"Oy, answer me." 

"There wasn't a question to answer." 

Jiraiya swatted at him with his orange notebook, but Minato automatically leaned out of the way. "Smartass," Jiraiya said. "Heard Sakumo's brat was your student now. And an Uchiha." 

"And the top student of the Academy," Minato said, remembering Obito's solemn words, _Rin wants to know she's good enough._ "They're good kids." 

"Yeah?" 

"Precocious," Minato admitted. "I don't… know what I'm doing, not really. How did you ever figure it out, being a sensei?" 

"You were a precocious brat too you know." 

Minato gave him a side-ways glance. "I wasn't, was I? But you managed!" 

Jiraiya made a sound that, only because he was Minato's sensei that Minato didn't call it _blowing a raspberry_. "Oh I fucked up _plenty_." 

"Really?" Minato perked up a little. If Jiraiya could fuck up but Minato remembered _none_ of it, then surely it wouldn't be so bad. 

Right? 

Jiraiya hummed agreeably, and pulled out a bottle of sake with that careless air of his. He'd always had a bunch of those - bottles, books, showing off his light fingers constantly - it had been a pain to try to pass his bell-test. 

"Yeah," Jiraiya said, "And Tsunade-hime almost punched me into a mountain for that. Heh." 

Minato shuddered a little. Orochimaru-san was scary (but not so much when he was actually yelling, oddly enough) but Tsunade probably was the scariest of them all. 

"What made her so mad?" Minato asked, glancing over his shoulder like Tsunade-san would show up any moment. She wouldn't, but she'd often shown up to yell at Jiraiya-sensei when he was younger, so it was a habit that was hard to break. 

"Took you to visit my contacts once," Jiraiya said. 

Minato blinked at him. "That's it?" 

Jiraiya took another bite of his ration bar, and stared at Minato. "Whaddya mean, that's it?" 

Minato shrugged helplessly at him. "That doesn't sound bad at all." 

"Wow," Jiraiya said. "Don't tell me your balls haven't dropped yet." 

" _Sensei_!"

* * *

Even with the whole, _"The pretty ladies? Don't you remember the pretty ladies?"_ thing, Minato still gave him a blank expression. 

Jiraiya rolled his eyes and then dragged his idiot student off the rooftops. "I honestly don't get how you're still so dumb," he said. "You're like, what, twenty?" 

"Twenty-one, sensei -" 

"Twenty-ONE, fuck, and you don't know what they were?" 

"Sensei -" 

Jiraiya hooked his arm around Minato's neck and dragged him towards the red light district. "Seriously, and you have a girlfriend-" 

"Kushina is not my girlfriend!" 

"She's not? Probably because you don't know how to even do anything with a woman huh, kiddo?" 

Minato made a choking noise. 

"Well it's about time you learned," Jiraiya said, "Lucky the ladies should still be here -" 

He stopped when he realised there was a blonde woman in his path. 

Her arms were folded over her chest and she was very, very cross. 

"Hime! What are you doing here?" 

"I think," a silky, familiar voice said from behind Jiraiya, "The question should be, 'what are YOU doing here, Jiraiya?'"

* * *

"But how was I wrong?" Kakashi said, sounding tiny and bewildered. "She came out of his apartment window a LOT." 

"Maybe you misinterpreted the data," Rin said. "Sounds like it was incomplete, i mean we gotta gather more data to be sure." 

Kakashi pouted, but Rin didn't have time for his pouting, just grabbed him and dragged him with her to hide behind a rise in the rooftop. 

She hadn't quite expected Jiraiya, one of the _Sannin_ to show up, but it had to be like, one of the best information gathering opportunities, and Kakashi had agreed. 

(He was a tiny little quiet thing, which was no bad thing at all. If only he'd been in the Academy when she had been! He'd have been on her team for the team-games _all the time_ , and they'd have won _more_.)

"Shh," she told him. 

"Where are we?" Kakashi said, looking a little wide-eyed at the bright red- 

"Oh," Rin said, glancing around. "The red light district. That's… so creepy."

Kakashi squished closer to her. "What's the red light district?"

Rin looked at him. Then at the red lanterns. "There-" she said. "Cause of all those lanterns."

"Oh," Kakashi said. "But they have red lanterns during festivals too-"

"Obito will explain later," Rin said, blithely throwing Obito under the bus.

Kakashi nodded obediently, because Obito was way more patient at explaining shit, so now they could go back to observing Minato's sensei drag him to the red light district. 

Pretty ladies? Contacts? She wasn't sure what the contacts meant in _this_ context, but put red light district and pretty ladies together and she got 'the Sannin Jiraiya is a fucking pervert'.

"Oh," Jiraiya-the-pervert said, "Orochi, you're here too?" 

"Do I need to ask why you're dragging Minato-kun here to… this?" Orochimaru said. 

"What - it's just he wanted to know -" 

"That's not quite what i heard you say," Tsunade-sama (oh, Rin thought, it was _Tsunade-sama_ , the world's best _medic_ , maybe if Minato-sensei knew her then he'd be able to introduce her…) said. "What was that about you dragging him to see 'contacts'?" 

"You already hit me for that," Jiraiya said. "It's not fair to punish me for the same thing you already punished me for!" 

Minato-sensei wriggled a little and managed to get out of Jiraiya's arm-lock, and wheezed a little. Orochimaru-san stalked forward and grabbed Sensei by the shoulder, pulling him upright like a doll. 

"But I haven't," Orochimaru said. 

"It's not _fair_!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "Orochi, c'mon, he's an adult NOW. Kid's gotta learn sometime how to deal with women-!" 

"I don't have to," Minato protested. "Why would I-" 

"Gotta help him develop into a proper man and all!" 

Orochimaru let go, and drew out his sword. 

Kakashi squeaked, very quietly behind Rin, and Rin hunched even further. "Are the sannin," Kakashi whispered, "Going to fight?" 

"Maybe," Rin said, wide-eyed. 

"Fuck," Jiraiya said, backing away from Orochimaru and his very sharp sword. "Why -" 

"I think you need to run now, Sensei," Minato-sensei said, who, when Rin leaned around, looked like he was cocking his head - the look that she was now recognising as his 'baffled look'. 

Tsunade-sama cracked her knuckles, and Jiraiya actually _squeaked_ and then suddenly Minato-sensei was just in his place, looking vaguely resigned. 

"That was a very good kawarami," Kakashi said very softly. "He's very practiced." 

"I'll bet I know why, too," Rin said just as quietly.

* * *

"Forgive Tsunade and I for not bringing him up well," Orochimaru said, sheathing his sword and checking his nails. 

"I… what?" Minato said. 

"For a supposed prodigy," Orochimaru said, "You really are rather stupid." 

"Walk and talk, there are ears," Tsunade said, nudging Minato by the shoulders, and Minato startled, having completely forgotten that Tsunade was here _too_. 

"Those are just my students," Minato said. "Wait - oh they shouldn't be _here_!" 

"Indeed," Orochimaru said drily. "At least you have the sense _not_ to drag children to such establishments." 

Minato frowned a little. 

"You.. .wait, so you heard -" 

"Yes," Tsunade said, flanking Minato's other side, and Minato couldn't turn around to check whether Rin and Kakashi were still staring from the rooftop - so he could only surreptitiously push his senses out a little to check. 

(They seemed fine, not too shocked, so… it was alright?) 

"And you thought -" 

"Oh I _knew_ what Jiraiya meant," Tsunade said. "And I remember that incident very well." Her amber eyes flicked to Minato. "Apparently we didn't discipline him well enough when he was being a pervert." 

"Isn't that supposed to your sensei's - uh, Sandaime-sama's - role?" The whole disciplining thing was the purview of the _sensei_ after all. Though he kind of quaked at the idea of trying to discipline any of his genin team. He'd prefer they'd just, keep on being the way they were - they were all good kids after all. 

"Sensei always indulged his ways," Orochimaru said, dry as a bone. "Mostly because he too was a pervert." 

"Uh," Minato said faintly. 

"A child at your age should _not_ have been brought to such an establishment," Tsunade said. 

… An establishment…? 

Minato blinked. "Wait, you mean those nice ladies were-" 

"... Dumb as a rock," Orochimaru said while Minato had a mini epiphany. 

"It wasn't a hotel?" Minato said. 

"Well, I see what you see in him," Tsunade said across Minato to Orochimaru. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Orochimaru sniffed. 

"So it's all just Sakumo?" Tsunade said. 

"Be quiet," Orochimaru said. 

"I can't believe Sensei took me to - he said they were his _contacts_ and they were so nice!" Minato exclaimed. 

"Good thing he's pretty," Tsunade said. 

"I'm not talking to you anymore," Orochimaru said.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Jiraiya did take bbMinato to a brothel. Yes, Tsunade punted him into next week. BbMinato was a prodigy but had no idea what a brothel actually looked like. 
> 
> Also, Jiraiya, there're reasons why Minato doesn't Get What to do with a Lady. 
> 
> The reasons mainly be HE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.


	10. It was the Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jounin hold the vote.

"I'd never," Minato started, stopped, shuffled a little. 

Sakumo waited, expression never wavering from the mild geniality he almost always seemed to have on. 

"Never?" he prompted. 

"Thanked you for helping with the - students," Minato said, trying not to squirm. 

Sakumo was looking at him, now, and despite that mild expression there was something very _intent_ in his dark gaze. 

"It's no problem," Sakumo said. "You just have to be calm in such situations." 

"You just, took charge just like that," Minato protested, "how could anyone keep calm without -" 

"I'm a father," Sakumo said, mouth going crooked with amusement. "You pick up such things." 

Minato tried not to make a face, but he didn't succeed because Sakumo's eyes crinkled in obvious mirth. "Pretty sure that it's not just _fatherly_ experience," he protested. "It's a lot more than that - you're -" 

"I'm?" Sakumo said, and he was leaning an elbow on the table, curling a hand under his chin. 

"Capable," Minato blurted out. "Extremely capable and so han-" 

His brain slammed on the brakes before his tongue could continue digging deeper. 

Sakumo's smile widened a little more.

"I'm sure - no, I _know_ you're capable as well, Minato-sensei," he said, and it was like he was purring. Could wolves purr? Dogs? He didn't know. But Sakumo was leaning forward now, slowly, and with incredible deliberation, reaching out and catching Minato's wrist where he was not, quite, flailing. 

"Uh," he said intelligently.

"Perhaps," Sakumo said, when Minato didn't pull away. "You will be so kind as to show me just how … capable you are?" 

Minato felt his face flush bright red. 

"Alright," he said faintly.

* * *

"I'm - look, this is my first," Minato said, "I know the _theory_ , well I've _thought_ about the theory -" 

"Then I believe we're more than ready for practical applications," Sakumo said. "After all, that's part of your specialisation, isn't it?" 

"Uh, yes," Minato said. 

"Very good," Sakumo said, smiling wolfishly. "I have faith in your abilities, Minato-sensei."

* * *

"So he's not dating Kushina-san?" Obito said, eyes huge and wide. 

"Yeah, we saw," Rin said, indicating both her and Kakashi. "And Sensei _said_ , so that's kind of back to square one." 

Obito nodded, thinking. "Right, so if it's not Kushina who could it be?" 

"Sensei said he was going to see Otousan earlier today," Kakashi said. "We can follow him after." 

"Have we even thought about just asking?" Obito asked Rin. 

"Where's the fun in that?" Rin said, "We're _shinobi_."

* * *

"I suppose congratulations are in order," Orochimaru said, looking Sakumo up and down. "I thought it'd take him forever to pick up the hints." 

Sakumo gave him a lazy grin and Orochimaru rolled his eyes. 

"He picked it up very quickly when I… ah, let him know," Sakumo said, innocently, but Orochimaru knew his friend. 

"My opinion of his intellect is dropping quicker than an anchor," Orochimaru said. 

"Be kind," Sakumo said. "It's his first time." 

"You are so smug your ego'd keep you afloat in Uzushio's typhoons," Orochimaru said. "Why am I friends with you still?" 

"I don't know, why _are_ you friends with me?" Sakumo said. "In fact you should come in and tell me in detail." 

Orochimaru rolled his eyes, and stepped in. Stopped. 

"... he's still here," he said flatly. 

"Of course he is," Sakumo said. "I thought it'd be a good idea for you two to meet under more … casual circumstances." 

"You presume a lot," Orochimaru. 

"I presume to know you a little," Sakumo said. "That's not you leaving." 

"Be quiet."

Sakumo just smiled at Orochimaru's glare, and gestured towards his bedroom.

* * *

"Orochimaru-san?" 

"I think under the circumstances that our mutual friend just instigated, you can call me Orochimaru." 

"I'm still here, Orochi." 

"I know, shut up you smug pile of fur." 

"Uh." 

"Sakumo has told me you're a quick learner, and I've witnessed part of it myself. I do not find you…. Completely inadequate." 

"... thanks, Orochimaru-sa- Orochimaru?" 

"Thank me after I have ascertained whether you are not a complete disappointment." 

"I'll definitely make sure you won't be disappointed, Orochi." 

"Be quiet. Minato-kun? Get here."

* * *

They were in the Hatake compound a really, _really_ long time. In fact they'd all had taken a turn in getting food and drink and toilet breaks by the time there was visible movement near the front door. 

The Hatake were really concerned with privacy, only a step below that of the Hyuuga, so with all the dog roses and plants all about, it was really difficult to see into the windows and make out what was going on in there. 

Eventually though, Orochimaru-san finally exited again. 

"An adequate performance," Orochimaru-san said, his cheeks a little bit pink but maybe it was just the evening light. 

Rin frowned a little. 

"If you give me another chance," Sensei said, coming up behind Orochimaru-san, clearly waiting to put on his shoes again, "I would perform better?" 

He looked completely sleep ruffled, his blond hair a tousled mess, like he'd lain down and been used by all of Obito's cousins as an obstacle course for the entire afternoon. Rin'd seen how they all had done that to Obito and one of the older Uchiha before, it had seemed pretty painful. She'd refused to allow herself be a floor mat for the Uchiha babies, like _no_. 

"Maybe," Orochimaru-san said. 

"Definitely," Kakashi's father said, and put a hand on Sensei's shoulder, big hand squeezing, just like how he'd squeezed Rin's shoulder, and Sensei went pink. "We look forward to any improvements." 

Sensei turned to look at Kakashi's father, and Sakumo-san smiled at him, and leaned in.

Kakashi made a horrified sound behind Rin. 

"Not _sensei!_ "

* * *

"Otousan, you _can't_ \- do that with sensei!" Kakashi insisted, but his father wasn't budging on that, at all. 

"There's no reason why I cannot," Sakumo said. 

"You already keep checking on me all the _time_ ," Kakashi pointed out. 

"Does that really bother you?" Otousan said, blinking in mild surprise. "Alright, then I won't." 

"It bothers me when you're also - like that - with Sensei!" 

"Now that," Otousan said, "I won't stop." 

Kakashi stamped his foot and glared at his father. "Otousan! Minato-sensei is too _nice_ for you to do that to!" 

"Ah," Sakumo said, after a moment, "I see I am going to have to have a talk with you about relationships."

* * *

The Vote itself was actually fairly fast. 

Orochimaru had said that it'd be _fine_ and that Minato had to just stop thinking about it, but Minato had been so nervous that he'd get more than, well, the nomination, he'd almost decided not to attend the vote at all. 

"If you don't," Sakumo said, smiling at him from the doorway, "I will vote for you." 

"You know that neither of you can vote," Orochimaru said. "If you don't get up, Namikaze, and stop huddling under the blankets, I'll _definitely_ ensure you won't have a chance to vote ever again." 

So of course Minato attended the Vote and tried not to die when they counted up votes for him (five! Five people had actually voted for him! And… that was Kushina in the back making thumbs-up signs at him, and he had a feeling that it was probably her bribing Mikoto and her friends to vote for him because Kushina was a _horrible_ , horrible friend.) 

But the rest of the votes were all for Sakumo and Minato could stagger off the stage and collapse into the chair next to Kushina.

"Congratulations on _not_ becoming Hokage," Mikoto said. 

"Thank every Ancestor," Minato said feelingly. 

"You would look absolutely horrible in the hat," Kushina said. "Your boyfriend wouldn't look bad though." 

"Kushina…" 

"And here comes your other boyfriend," Kushina said brightly, and promptly dropped Minato on Mikoto. 

"Kushina, no!" 

"Hey, Orochimaru," Kushina said, ignoring Minato. "You better treat this dumbass right." 

"Kushina, are you giving him the _shovel talk_?!" 

"Uzumaki-san," Orochimaru said, looking only mildly surprised. 

"He's a complete stupid ass," Kushina said, "and stupidly _lacking_ in chakra and stamina so you gotta punch some into him when he keels over." 

" _Kushina_!" 

Orochimaru slid his glance over to Minato. "I wouldn't say he's lacking in _stamina_ ," he said, and Minato felt his face go up in flames, "But what is this thing you were saying about him 'keeling over'?" 

"No, Kushina, no," Minato said, trying to squirm away, but Mikoto, despite her slender delicate appearance, had him in a firm grip. 

"He does it _a lot_ ," Kushina said with the air of someone who literally was a chakra monster. 

"I keep up with _you_ ," Minato protested, "I'm not about to fall over at every single breeze!" 

"He falls over a lot," Kushina told Orochimaru. "So I got in the habit of just slapping some chakra into him, and he gets a little spazzy for a bit after. Just telling you. You just make sure he doesn't walk into a tree, and it'll be alright." 

"I see," Orochimaru said. "Interesting that it isn't _just_ a matter of lack of sleep then, hmm?" 

"Kushina doesn't know what she's talking about!" Minato exclaimed, but Kushina had just casually reached back and yanked him up by the collar, hauling him over a Yamanaka to shove him into Orochimaru's arms. 

"That wasn't a shovel talk," Mikoto noted, placidly. 

"It's not like I'd try threatening one of the Sannin, who do you think I am?" Kushina said.

* * *

"A real pity," Elder Shimura Danzou said, as he passed Minato after the other Elders filed out. 

"Um," Minato said, but Danzou had continued on and didn't stay to explain what he thought was a pity. 

Minato personally thought that Sakumo would look incredible in the Hokage robes.

* * *

"I would have thought," Sakumo said mildly, "that with this, you'd learn to accommodate a little difference." 

"No," Orochimaru said, not looking at Sakumo to stare Minato straight in the eye and pointedly sort his books according to colour. 

"That makes no sense!" Minato protested. 

Orochimaru's eyes narrowed, and started arranging them from light to dark. 

So there.

* * *

When Orochimaru was out in his lab, Minato re-shelved Orochimaru's books according to size. 

The mild poisoning he got at dinner that night was probably worth it.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What what Were you expecting actual PORN? LOLOLOLOLOL this goddamn FIC. I started writing it on the first of January and I only wanted something real quick and fun and easy because what is more hilarious than channelling the Truth of the Millennial Experience via Minato? (I mean others already knew that I was writing Millennial Minato for shits and giggles) 
> 
> Then this goddamn monster exploded and instead of a nice short 5k fic, I got this mess because it made sense that Minato's team WOULD break down because Minato really ISN'T confident, and really REALLY doesn't know what he's doing so of course this was inevitable. 
> 
> And yes i just wanted it to END because if I didn't, stop it here it would have gotten STUPID LONGER. Instead, I shall give you omake after the epilogue. :D


	11. Epilogue: We were Crowned Glorious

They couldn't attend the Vote, but Minato-sensei was all but giddy with relief when he told them that Kakashi's father had won the Vote to become the Hokage when Sandaime-sama retired.

And yes, he said, everyone would get to attend the inauguration.

Kakashi had been very upset about his father and Sensei being together, but Obito had talked him down afterwards. It was a good thing, he'd told him, because Sensei was so high-strung and Kakashi's dad was so awesome, it'd be a good thing.

 _And_ , which Obito thought would convince Kakashi much more, Sakumo-sama wouldn't have time to come and check up on Kakashi anymore for fear of distracting Sensei.

So that was good.

And they were going to get to witness his dad get the hat! That would be so cool, Obito didn't even mind that he got saddled with a baby again.

"Just for ten minutes," Rishiri-san said, looking a little harried. "We have a little bit of an - uh - you know how it is, with Mikoto-sama not wanting to get married."

Not getting married to an _Uchiha,_ was the issue, and continuing the Main Line, but it wasn't Obito's problem, because the baby was being very good and _fast_ asleep.

Except Obito hadn't expected that the ceremony would involve fireworks.

Which woke Shisui up, and unfortunately, because Obito was kinda short, he'd been near the front so he could see.

So when Shisui set fire to the silk hanging scrolls, _everyone_ and their ninken saw.

"Shisui _no!_ "

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic title comes from the opening music from King's Avatar (The Drama series), translation from my bugging my sister and my own spin to make it read better.
> 
> 來自塵埃的光 (Light from the Dust) 
> 
> 生于微末中的万千萤火  
> Thousands of fireflies born from dust,  
> 乘长风汇聚成熠熠星河  
> Gather on the wind to form a glittering river of stars  
> 在云巅之上向世界宣告  
> From above the stratosphere, they announce to the world  
> 我们将重回荣耀  
> We will return to glory
> 
> 拨开云层落下炽热  
> Brushing aside the clouds to shower burning passion  
> 消融冰雪闯过波折  
> Melting the snow and ice, charging past hurdles  
> 终于在巅峰的这一刻  
> Finally at the peak,  
> 有身影与过去身影重合  
> There is a figure that coincides with someone from the past
> 
> 过去未曾来的荣耀  
> Glory that was not achieved previously  
> 未来过不去的骄傲  
> Pride that will not be gotten over in the future  
> 在你我指尖交错凝结成  
> Intersect and meld at our fingertips  
> 点燃战场的战歌  
> A battlesong that ignites the battlefield
> 
> 漫漫长夜里唯一的亮色  
> The only bright colour in the long night  
> 是平庸中走过来的你和我  
> Is when you and I walked through mediocrity  
> 是在云端上 是在尘埃中  
> It's above the clouds, in the dust,  
> 拼尽全力盛放的萤火  
> Pinpricks of light flaming with all energy
> 
> 我来自传说去续写传说  
> I, the legend shall continue to write legends,  
> 一朝汹涌不枉十年执著  
> For a sudden turbulence cannot stand up to a decade of persistence  
> 这一战要让所有人记得  
> We shall make this a battle to remember;  
> 我们加冕荣耀的时刻  
> The moment we were crowned Glorious.
> 
> And yes, all the chapter titles sort of make sense, and the chapter title of the epilogue is a call-back to the actual title… hinting at the fact that canonMinato was what he was (the war hero, the martyr, the perfect Yondaime Hokage), and basically how desperately minato here _doesn't want to be a fucking hokage_. :D Irony~
> 
> Also enjoy the sweet cute little ending because Shisui.
> 
> * * *
> 
> There will be some omake after this! :) Keep an eye out.


	12. OMAKE 1: In the Tent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the War, Minato tries to sleep.

Minato woke up when he felt someone enter the tent. 

Kushina was with them - the stranger - so he hadn't automatically reached for his kunai; in fact, it took several seconds for his brain to register, oh, right, Konoha-trained shinobi, so he could just go back to sleep. 

"You sure it's okay, Kushina-san?" 

"I told you, you don't have to call me -san," Kushina said, and Minato could already hear the predatory smile on her face without having to turn over. 

He considered groaning. 

Maybe _this_ time, she'd actually remember this was a shared tent. 

They had been sharing for ages since that one time they'd ended up in Snow and Minato almost got frost-bite; for all his wind and lightning affinity, Minato wasn't exactly a walking furnace like Kushina. He'd be spending more chakra to keep warm for hours on his own, and in the end he'd probably have fallen into a coma from chakra-overuse and then died. 

(Which was better than getting revived from near death by Kushina's repeated punches - she had a tendency to punch as if one's ribcage was solid rock, and there had been more than once Minato came out of a nice restful coma with more injuries than he'd had going in.) 

So sharing was a more efficient way of keeping warm, even if it meant Minato had to curl right to the edge of the tent because, see: literal walking furnace. In most cases, too warm was easier to remedy than too-cold; if he really got too warm he could just take a walk outside to cool off. 

Right now he wondered if he should roll over and 'wake up'. 

"You have a tent-mate -" 

"Minato-kun doesn't mind." 

Minato-kun definitely didn't mind, if Kushina was _quiet_. But it had been a very long week and finally he could see a possibility for some maybe three uninterrupted hours of sleep, and the kunoichi that Kushina had brought back was laughing, deep, throaty and definitely pleased, along with the rustling of cloth and canvas and the metallic clink of buckles. 

If Minato coughed, would Kushina even - 

"What if he joined in?" 

Kushina laughed, and Minato tried to sink deeper into the floor. 

Pretend he was dead it was! 

At least it was a really _cold_ night right now, the added heat wouldn't actually drive him out to take a walk. 

END


	13. Omake 2: Red Lanterns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And because this was apparently a popular scenario…

"The red light district," Obito said, slowly, and tried not to look around frantically. 

Rin had dropped Kakashi off practically on top of Obito and left like the abandoning friend she was; not that she would have helped. In fact, she probably would have said something like, _Well think of it as practice for giving the talk to your cousins!_ and really Obito didn't want to think about giving that as a talk to _anyone_ , let alone to any of his cousins.

Sadly, at least one of his cousins were literal _orphans_. 

This sucked BALLS.

"Yes," Kakashi said, blinking big grey eyes at him. "Minato-sensei and his sensei Jiraiya-san went there-" 

"Why did he go there," Obito said, despairing a little. 

"Jiraiya-san said he had to take Sensei there, but Orochimaru-san and Tsunade-sama interrupted." 

Thank every Ancestor, even and up to including Obito's grandmother who apparently hadn't liked Obito very much. 

"That's good," Obito said. 

"So why is it the red light district?" Kakashi asked. 

"Uh," Obito said. 

"Is it because the red light makes the ladies' make up stand out more?" Kakashi asked. 

"Um. What?" 

Obito blinked at him. 

"Probably to help attract customers? I don't know why it's called the red-light district, just only Konoha has the red lights," Kakashi said. 

"Wait, you've _been_ to -" 

"Not in Konoha no," Kakashi said. "There's never been a mission in that direction." 

Obito's brain stalled for a long moment. "You'd been to -" 

"In the Capital, the one time I was there, my team of the time stayed in a brothel," Kakashi said, and he said the word very clearly, like he'd heard it but not really spoken it before. "There were many women and some men and they were all very pretty." 

Little Kakashi paused. "But they smelled very strong and fake, and I didn't like the incense they used a lot. I tried to sleep instead." 

Obito blinked and literally didn't know what to say. 

"They giggled a lot too," Kakashi said, making a face. "Their voices hurt. But it seemed like my teammates at the time liked _that_." 

"It's… an adult thing," Obito said at last. 

"Gross," Kakashi said. "Taijutsu is more interesting." 

"Yes," Obito said and hoped Kakashi would never ever mention this to his father. 

_Ever_. 

"Maybe you could ask Minato-sensei?" 

Kakashi gave him a look that said _exactly_ what he thought of that. 

Obito bit his tongue. 

Yeah, they both knew how Minato-sensei would react to _that_. He'd probably pass out and die. 

"He's an adult though," Obito said weakly. 

"I think it's the _first_ time he'd ever been to one," Kakashi said, as worldly as a tiny little six-year-old could be. "Possibly. And he probably doesn't even really know what they do there."

"Yeah," Obito said, who knew theoretically what people did in brothels, which was S E X and he didn't want to ever have to tell his cousins about it. The thought of telling little baby Shisui about S E X made him want to burn his own brain out. "Minato-sensei probably only knows how to fight." 

"Which is better anyway," Kakashi said. "The brothel didn't even have any good books."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How likely is Sakumo going to casually murder Kakashi's old Teammates I would like to know? It was meant to be an easy mission where Kakashi got "field experience' and never got involved in Real Fighting or the Real War either. 
> 
> And somehow he ended up in a brothel.


End file.
